The Best Little Dollhouse in Paris

By Elton Brawn ►

Do you feel the urge to make love to a sex doll? If so, there's good news: a brothel specializing in life-like sex dolls has opened in Paris. Patrons of the establishment can pay $110 to take a high-quality silicone sex doll into a private room for one hour. The dolls are then sanitized and preened between "sessions."

Finally, a brothel where the employees don't judge.

But even though this brothel is a godsend for men who like to ravish dolls, not everybody is happy about it. A feminist group has spoken out against the brothel on the grounds that it encourages men to indulge in violent rape fantasies. It seems that one of the benefits of having sex with a doll is that your "passion" won't be limited by the sentience and/or legal rights of your partner.

But are the feminists justified in their concern?

It's hard to say.

On the one hand, it's easy to imagine a scenario in which an ostensibly ordinary man brutalizes a sex doll and, in doing so, awakens within himself an erotic bloodlust that had hitherto lain dormant. Perhaps such a man would be more likely to hurt an actual woman after such an experience. But, on the other hand, it's also easy to imagine a scenario in which some psycho viciously beats his sex doll and, having discharged and sublimated his insanity, is less likely to commit an actual sexual assault.

So which is it?

Sadly, in the absence of a monumentally unethical controlled experiment, it's impossible to know. But, despite this uncertainty, there is a relatively easy solution to the standoff between the feminists and the brothel owners—a solution in which everybody wins. Consider, if you will, the following proposal:

Instead of closing down the sex doll brothel, the owners should consider expanding their operation. Imagine if they were to create a sister brothel which exclusively features life-like male sex dolls. That way, the feminists, for the low price of $110, could simulate the experience of beating the living shit out of a man for a whole hour. Sure, it might not solve the original problem that they came to protest, but it would feel fantastic.

The sister brothel would offer a safe outlet for the rage that comes from having to live in an oppressive patriarchal society. Women put up with a lot of mistreatment at the hands of men. Think of how cathartic it would be to savagely thrash a male doll with a crowbar and then to castrate it with a Bowie knife!

As for the brothel owners, this new dimension of their operation would easily make up for any business lost due to the controversy created by the feminists. They could even direct their earnings towards the further betterment of society, donating a portion of their profits to causes aiding battered women and rehabilitating sex workers.

Like I said, everybody wins.

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Elton Brawn is the pen-name of a very famous, very flamboyant singer who has been knighted.

Trump vs. Biden: Who Would Win in a Fight?

By John Adam Gosham ►

In a recent multimedia altercation, President Donald Trump and former Vice President Joe Biden exchanged unequivocal fighting words. Biden publicly stated that if he and Trump were in high school, he would "take him behind the gym and beat the hell out of him." The POTUS promptly tweeted back, imagining a much different outcome for the hypothetical donnybrook: "[Biden] would go down fast and hard, crying all the way." This war of words necessarily provokes the question: who would win a fistic dustup between Joe Biden and President Trump? The answer depends on the nature of the fight.

If Trump and Biden were to meet in a boxing match, the former VP has the obvious edge. While Trump has a two inch height advantage, he carries considerably more weight than the relatively svelte Biden. Biden would be able to slip Trump’s haymakers and pepper the POTUS with some quick counter-jabs. One size advantage Biden does have is in his hands, with which he'd surely be able to land some heavy hooks and uppercuts on Trump’s pouty orange moue. By contrast, Trump’s balled-white, child-sized fists would leave lots of room in twelve-ounce gloves, making for punches that would land pillowy at best against Biden's all-American chin. Biden also has a sports background, having played football and baseball in his youth, so he'd likely be able to last into the later rounds against Trump, whose athletic ventures go no further than golf and some recreational tennis. The fight wouldn't be a long one, though: two blasts from Biden’s soup-bone fists and Trump would be wearing his famed flaxen hair-swoop like a mullet. The result: Biden by knockout in the early rounds.

If Trump and Biden were to meet in the UFC cage, the matchup would be much more closely contested. If the fight went to the ground, Trump’s size would give him a tremendous advantage, especially with his girdle off. It is a well-alleged fact that Trump is skilled at distributing the considerable surface area of his frame to immobilize other people—he was, for instance, readily able to pin Jill Harth and later on Natasha Stoynoff against the walls of his Mar-a-Lago estate. In this regard, Trump could also use the walls of the cage to his advantage. But again, Biden's athleticism and relative mobility would be to his benefit. If he could escape the inevitable mount and get Trump on his back, a little ground and pound could dizzy the President, giving Biden the opportunity to exploit the Donald's pre-existing injuries—namely, the bone spurs in his heel. The result: Biden by tap-out (heel hook) in round one.

The only way Trump could win a matchup with Biden is if they met in a WWE ring. Match outcomes in pro wrestling are, of course, pre-determined, with the most popular performers "going over" like clockwork at the marquee events. Wrestling fans are largely comprised of shiftless sons-of-the-soil and self-deluded uber-bros run to fat, most of whom are looking for a superman savior to salve unmet expectations vis-à-vis their personal experience of manhood. As such, they make up a significant subset of the people who voted for Trump, and will vote for him again. Biden, meanwhile, as a Juris Doctor and career establishment politician (Democrat, no less), is precisely the kind of accomplished individual that wrestling fans hate. Hence, the obvious choice for WWE's writing staff would be to give the fan-favorite Trump the win. The decision: Trump by pin-fall after Vladimir Putin interferes, laying out Biden with a chair.

Though Biden would clearly come out the winner in any legitimate fight with President Trump, the thought of a Biden-Trump dream match is still eminently intriguing. It is truly a testament to the electrifying state of American political discourse when two high-ranking septuagenarian statesmen can trade provocations in a public forum in a manner akin to that of roid-raging pro wrestlers. Perhaps we can even dream of a consummately all-American future in which voting will be done away with entirely to be replaced by a Republican vs. Democrat, candidate vs. candidate cage match for the Presidency, the primaries having been decided by a no-holds-barred, bunkhouse battle royal.

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John Adam Gosham is the author of The Stink Ape: An Erotic Ensemble, the all-time best-selling book on Goathanger.com. He lives in a shack in an undisclosed location in the Midwestern United States.

Image Attribution: Biden: By World Economic Forum [CC BY-SA 2.0 (https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/2.0)], via Wikimedia Commons. Trump: Gage Skidmore [CC BY-SA 3.0 (https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/3.0)], via Wikimedia Commons. Photos have been amalgamated by Ewedrooper; users are free to distribute the newly created image under their respective licenses listed here above.

How to Avoid a DUI on Your Wedding Day

By Elton Brawn and Thesal Thayer ▸ 

You may have recently read the tragic story of Amber Young, a thirty-two-year-old bride-to-be from Arizona who was arrested for driving under the influence on the way to her wedding. Obviously, the story yanks at the heartstrings, and so we at Ewedrooper have compiled a list of helpful hints to assure that no one else has to go through a similar indignity on their special day.
 

Stock photo of shitfaced bride

1) Always drink something light. If you're going to be driving to your own wedding, hammered, stay away from the hard stuff. Try something citrusy and carbonated, like a nice Zima Clearmalt or, if you're a beer-drinking bride, a Corona Light. In fact, the only justification for drinking Corona Light, ever, is if you're driving.

2) Wear your veil down. This way your bleary, punch-drunk gaze will be sufficiently hidden from other motorists. Behind the gauzy shroud, your ruddy drunkenness will look no more incriminating than that radiant glow the whole world expects of the blushing bride. If a concerned citizen or officer of the law does ask to see your face, tell them you can't lift the veil for religious reasons.

3) Let other motorists know whose day it is. Some non-bride going too slow in your lane? Roll down the window on your way past and tell them to get their ass out of your way! It's your goddamn wedding day!

4) Create relationship drama. If you do get stopped by a law enforcement officer, say that you're actually fleeing your wedding because you just found out your spouse is cheating on you. If that doesn't get rid of that pesky copper, start providing excessive levels of detail about the infidelity (positions used, relatives involved, etc.).

5) Use seduction. If #4 doesn't work, offer the officer, whether they're male or female, a special invitation to your honeymoon suite to join in on the wedding night festivities. It's the most special of all special nights, so why not do some experimenting? Remember: you were totally wasted when it happened.

6) Carry a weapon. If the officer isn't down for a matrimonial three-way, you're going to have to speed away. It's handy to have a 9mm tucked into your garter to fend off your eventual police pursuer(s).

7) Wear flats. If a motor-vehicle collision proves unavoidable, you'll have to proceed on foot, and nine out of ten brides will tell you: flats are easier to flee in than heels. Do not for any reason stop to attend to other motorists or pedestrians you may have injured or killed, because remember: it's your day. Keep repeating this loudly as you sprint from the scene of the accident to the church.

Follow these guidelines and, unlike Ms. Young, you can still enjoy the privilege of stumbling down that aisle, plastered, passing out momentarily in the arms of the man you've settled for. On your wedding day(s), as in life, there will be times when you have to drink and drive, so at least be smart about it. Marriage is a long, slow-motion car wreck anyway, so don't risk the real thing in real-time before the vows have even been exchanged.

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Elton Brawn and Thesal Thayer are the co-founders of the literary collective Goathanger.com.  Thayer is the editor of Done to Death: the Last Zombie Anthology Ever. 

Image attribution: By Sarah Bresee (fainting couch) [CC BY 2.0 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/2.0)], via Wikimedia Commons

Cobra Commander Resigns amid Sex Allegations

By Stephen Kunk▸

Cobra Commander has temporarily resigned as leader of the worldwide terrorist operation Cobra amid accusations of sexual misconduct that have come out in the past week.

A visibly distraught Cobra Commander asks
a staffer for directions to his press briefing

“After consulting with friends, family and Cobra delegates, I have decided to step down as the leader of Cobra,” a tearful Cobra Commander read from a prepared statement. “I will remain with Cobra, the organization I have built from the ground up, in an advisory capacity while I definitively clear my name from these false allegations.”

Earlier this week, two women went public on Twitter with complaints of harassment spanning the past decade.

The first, a former receptionist at Cobra Headquarters underneath Springfield, Mass., alleges that Cobra Commander gave her “too many drinks to count” at a 2009 Christmas party and then invited her to a secret bunker. “The next thing I know he’s rubbing his faceplate against me,” she explained.

The second woman came forward soon after with complaints of unwanted sexual harassment while she was training as a Night Stalker assault trooper. She claims that Cobra Commander sent her illicit text messages containing waist-down nude photos of himself, including one captioned “Here's what I look like without the hood.”

“Personally, I have worked very closely with Cobra Commander for many years and have never had any problems,” said Anastasia Cisarovna, Cobra’s Director of Intelligence, better known as The Baroness. “I am living proof that he is an equitable employer who sees women as equals. He is entitled to a legal defense and due process and should be presumed innocent until he receives a trial.” Cisarovna will assume the mantle as interim commander of Cobra for the foreseeable future.

Even President Trump tweeted his support:

Reuters is reporting that one of the women may go forward with pressing charges. This could spell jail time for Cobra Commander, which he has evaded even after decades of being pursued by the GI Joes, an elite covert special mission unit operating in conjunction with the United States Military.

“We're just as shocked as anyone by these young women's allegations against Cobra Commander,” said Conrad Hauser, also known by his codename Duke, a field commander and first sergeant for the GI Joes. “Quite frankly, we always just assumed he was gay.”

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Stephen Kunk lives with his wife and two daughters on the Atlantic coast of the United States.

Image Attribution: By Christopher Brown from Houston, United States (Flickr) [CC BY 2.0 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/2.0)], via Wikimedia Commons

Canadian Bacon: A Pet Peeve

By Elton Brawn▸

According to the news, a couple in British Columbia, Canada butchered and ate their pet potbellied pig, Molly, one year after having adopted it. But no charges are being laid, as it's perfectly legal to kill your own pets in British Columbia, so long as it's done humanely.

Legalities aside, the butchering of Molly is nonetheless inspiring some strong reactions. The community, including the owners of the animal shelter who raised Molly before it was adopted, reacted with shock and heartbreak. While most people eat meat, "pet" is not a noun that we typically consider synonymous with "food."

Doesn't this bacon look delicious?

But maybe it should be. Because adopting a pig (or a dog or a cat, for that matter) is significantly less expensive than buying the equivalent amount of meat (especially since some varieties of meat [e.g., dog, cat] are only available on the black market).

Two hundred pounds of pork at the supermarket will probably run you somewhere in the ballpark of $800 dollars. But, on the other hand, you can adopt a decently sized pig for as little as $100 in some places. So right off the bat you're saving $700.

And when you factor in the privilege of slaughtering the pig yourself, which is priceless (especially if you do it with your children as a family activity), you actually realize that you're saving much, much more (killing a pig in your living room is significantly cheaper than going to Disney Land, for example).

And let's face it: the pig benefits, too. Whereas most feeder pigs live short lives in excruciating pain, your adopted porker will at least be teased with the possibility of living in a loving home. That's more than most animals get. In fact, it's more than most children get.

So don't weep for Molly. Think about the money that couple saved. And think about that full year of happiness that Molly enjoyed before being massacred by what she probably thought were her parents. In a world of school shootings and rampant terrorism, a story like Molly’s should brighten your day!

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Elton Brawn is the pen-name of a very famous, very flamboyant singer who has been knighted.