Doctors Severely Lacking BDE amid COVID-19 Crisis

By Stephen Kunk►

Doctors are treating COVID-19 patients despite a severe lack of the BDE needed to protect themselves and others from the virus, frontline medics in Britain are saying. BDE refers, of course, to Big Dick Energy, the industrious self-confidence that stems from having an equine penile endowment.

"A palpable dearth of big dick energy continues to be a critical issue," said Sir Simon Stevens, chief executive of Britain’s National Health Service (NHS). "It is disappointing to hear that patients have been endangered just because male doctors are hemorrhaging the BDE that got them into and through medical school in the first place. A pandemic hits, we ask them to go easy on the personal protective equipment [PPE], and then they act like pussies. Sack it up, boys."

Britain’s Royal College of Physicians (RCP) has reported that doctors' increasingly sagging displays of BDE are directly linked to the unmanageable volume of COVID-positive patients and a dire lack of PPE. As such, doctors, as well as male nurses, in some cases, are finding it hard to maintain sufficient levels of BDE to rise to the occasion.

Matt Hancock, originally "Hancook"

before he was publicly measured

"I'm just not myself," said Nigel Fitzwilliam, an emergency-room surgeon in London. "I'm doing surgery semi-erect at best."

Gone is the taciturn, stoic self-assurance expected of a presiding male physician. This has created confusion, shame, and panic among female nurses and orderlies.

Matt Hancock, the health secretary for the Conservative government, placed the blame on doctors: "It is absolutely irresponsible for a physician to step into a hospital with a suboptimal availability of the appropriate BDE, especially in a crisis. No ifs, ands, or buts.

"Who needs PPE when you've got BDE?" said Hancock, whose penis is eleven inches erect. "Now do your job without shriveling up."

Trump Requires N95 Masks for Illicit Mistresses

By Stephen Kunk►

It's no secret that President Trump has had countless extramarital affairs. In order for these liaisons to continue in the wake of COVID-19, Trump has proceeded with extreme precaution. Thus, for the foreseeable future, all Playmates, porn stars, and prostitutes passing through the Presidential bedroom will be required to wear an N95 mask.

"If President Trump wishes to be intimately involved with a woman, she'll be provided with a mask," reported one White House staffer. "This has been a major determinant of the President's policy with respect to N95 exports."

Late last week, Trump invoked the Defense Production Act to halt the export of N95 masks by Minnesota-based manufacturer 3M to allied countries. Canada, for instance, was initially denied mask orders numbering in the hundreds of thousands.

"In the Presidential bedroom," the staffer said, "the need is there. Sacrifices have to be made."

"You take off all your clothes and put on the mask," said Sultry Winters, a porn starlet-cum-concubine whose tour of duty in the White House spanned the night of April 2nd through to the morning of the 3rd. "The Donald does his business bare-faced, though. It's kind of kinky."

Nonetheless, social distancing is still in effect. The aforementioned White House staffer reported that Trump keeps an arm's length distance between himself and his paid paramours during all activities, and he maintains the full six feet as he approaches climax.

"For any droplets that bridge the gap, I'm responsible for their prompt removal," said the staffer, who wished to remain anonymous.

And how has the First Lady taken to the new normal?

"Melania demands a full contamination suit for the President if he even so much as steps into the same room as her," the staffer explained. "So it’s pretty much the same as before the pandemic."

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Stephen Kunk lives in Portland with his wife and two daughters.