Pierre Poilievre Auditioned for I Spit on Your Grave

By Stephen Kunk►

Canadian Conservative politician Pierre Poilievre is a promising Prime Ministerial hopeful and a master debater, but did you know that he is also an accomplished actor?

Poilievre auditioned for a number of film roles in the early to mid 2000s as his political career was on the rise. Most notably, he auditioned for the 2010 remake of I Spit on Your Grave, the notorious 1978 rape-revenge epic.

Poilievre specifically tried for the role of Sheriff Storch, the law officer to whom the victim, Jennifer, appeals after she is harassed by four local Republicans. When Storch finds drugs and alcohol at Jennifer's cabin, he casts doubt on her story. When the four other Republicans return to the cabin (spoiler alert), Storch joins them in sexually assaulting Jennifer. Jennifer spends the latter portion of the film taking revenge on her rapists, finishing up with Sheriff Storch.

After initial auditions, Poilievre pinned down the Storch role.

"Pierre had an attack-dog viciousness that brought a verity to the character," said director Steven R. Monroe. "He projected authority via volatility."

Unfortunately, Poilievre had to be replaced for the part by Welsh actor Andrew Howard. When Poilievre arrived in Louisiana for principal photography, he expressed discontent with the direction of the script.

"He wanted to change the ending," Monroe reported. "He insisted that the Sheriff should survive and kill the victim and go on with his family life. That was the only morally viable ending, in Pierre's view."

Even though it didn't work out for Poilievre as an actor, true conservatives hope he can win the role of Prime Minister so he can bring his rabid and rapacious reactionary values to Canada's highest office.

Photo Credit: Manning Centre c/o: Jake Wright, CC BY 2.0 <https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/2.0>, via Wikimedia Commons

Florida Meth Addict Solicits Sex from Manatee at Public Beach

By Rape Lansky►

Robert Thurston Thomas was arrested last Saturday at Fort Walton Beach in Florida after attempting to solicit sex from a manatee in broad daylight.

Fort Walton Beach Police responded to reports of a heavily intoxicated man causing a disturbance on a public beach in John Beasley Park in the mid-morning. Eye witnesses claim that Thomas, age 51, was throwing hundred-dollar bills at a beached manatee and loudly describing sexual acts he wanted the animal to perform upon him. When police found Thomas, a resident of nearby Destin, he had removed his beach shorts and was attempting to mount the male manatee. 

Officers pulled Thomas off the manatee and arrested him. Upon confiscating Thomas's vehicle, they found a cache of crystal meth in the backseat with a street value of approximately $10000. Thomas will appear in Okaloosa County courthouse later this week facing charges of public intoxication and drug possession. 

Marine biologists from Northwest Florida State College who tended to the manatee deemed it to be startled but otherwise unharmed. The manatee has since been released back into the waters, with hopes that this gentle sea creature will never again encounter the wilds of the Florida panhandle.

Eleven Oft-Overlooked Types of Interruptus

By Elton Brawn & Thesal Thayer►

We’re all very familiar with coitus interruptus, a zestful finale to lovemaking and a semi-effective form of birth control. But what you may not know is that there's an unending supply of interruptus types out there to be explored. So pull yourself out of whatever you’re doing and let us present to you just a few of the more unsung interruptuses.

Calculus interruptus: You’ve been accepted to engineering physics, but at the last minute you opt for the eminently more useful English literature degree instead. Now look where you work.

Cunnilingus interruptus: The point when your brain and tongue are too tired to go on and you give up, accepting that you just can't solve nature’s mutilated chessboard.

Detritus interruptus: Jazz brunch on the lido deck has been fabulous, but you elect to take a siesta while your luxury cruise circumnavigates the Pacific trash vortex.

Asparagus interruptus: Your boy scarfs down bushel after bushel of asparagus, and when he pisses, life in the frat house just grinds to a halt.

Krampus interruptus: In the midst of Christmas Eve lovemaking, your significant other slides into a goat mask and summons the alpine yuletide demi-demon.

Coronavirus interruptus: When that COVID-19 you thought you had turns out to be full-on Ebola and you just disintegrate. That’s it. You’re done.

Walrus interruptus: When you’re in the dog park with your pet walrus and animal control officers inform you that it is both unlawful and dangerous to be in possession of a 400-pound undomesticated marine mammal.

Michaelangelo's Bacchus

Dionysus interruptus: That awkward moment when you’ve been drinking wine and making frenzied love to strangers for weeks beyond the solstice and the god Bacchus himself appears before you and tells you to “cool your jets, bro.”

Thesaurus interruptus: When you can’t find a flattering synonym for “psychotic,” so you take your katana to your trusty Roget’s.

Anthropophagus interruptus: When you’re about to eat your landscaper’s liver with some fava beans and a bottle of Chianti and your fiancée texts to remind you that you’ve got reservations at Dorsia with the Harringtons in thirty minutes.

Hiatus interruptus: You’ve wasted three minutes of your life reading this asinine listicle, now get back to filing those TPS reports or whatever demeaning task qualifies as your “work.”