Vice President Vance: Turbocharged Hillbilly

By Frisk Nightingale ►

Around 6:05 p.m. EST on July 13, 2024, Donald Trump took the stage at a rally in Pennsylvania to address his loyal followers. At 6:11 p.m. EST, shots rang out, and the former president ducked for cover. Within seconds, the shooter was neutralized—that is, shot dead—by Secret Service personnel, and a blood-streaked Trump was whisked off the stage. This grisly and chaotic scene immediately raised the question of why?

J.D. Vance had the answer. Vance is, of course, a Republican senator who, before his political career, rose from a quaint upbringing in an Appalachian family and made his way through to Yale Law School. This provided the raw material for the narrative that he wove in his bestselling memoir, Hillbilly Elegy, which catapulted him to fame and political office. At the time of the shooting, Vance was the presumptive Vice Presidential running mate for Trump in the 2024 election. At 6:20 p.m. EST, less than ten minutes after the shots were fired, Vance tweeted (or rather Xed) the following: 

Today is not just some isolated incident. The central premise of the Biden campaign is that President Donald Trump is an authoritarian fascist who must be stopped at all costs. That rhetoric led directly to President Trump’s attempted assassination.

Drawing on the full horsepower of his Yale Law intellect, Vance arrived at some preternaturally decisive conclusions well before investigators could. Firstly, the shooter was a leftist. Secondly, Democrats have erroneously associated fascism with Trump. The implied corollary is that leftist Democrats, with their willingness to engage in violence and propound mistruths, are the real fascists. Thirdly, and most damningly, Democrats caused the shooting.

On July 14, 2024, the FBI reported that the shooter, one Thomas Matthew Crooks, was a registered Republican. Crooks had, however, also donated a small amount to progressive causes after Biden’s 2020 election win. Crooks’ politics, then, would appear to be ambivalent and inconclusive; if anything, the registered-Republican status would suggest he skewed rightward. Whatever the case, it seems difficult to say that anyone with that rare level of derangement that prompts them to attempt an assassination on a political figure could be representative of wide swaths of political opinions, either Republican or Democrat or whatever.

But Vance has made that leap and has decided that such deranged behavior is representative of, coincidentally, his diametric political opponents. His central premise deals in the kind of broad and polemical associations Vance has accused the Biden administration of promulgating. Moreover, Vance was able to tender this thesis in the face of a complete lack of evidence about the perpetrator of the attack against Trump. 

Thus, we must conclude that Vance’s intelligence is a chimera. True, he may possess the brain power and wherewithal to get into and graduate from Yale Law School, and he may have the charm and connections to publish a best-selling book. But outside of those domains, he is a moron. Vance is one among the staggeringly large number of brainy, well-educated people in America who choose to employ their cerebral powers not to come to equitable, evidence-based solutions, but rather to rationalize their own entrenched worldviews. And in Vance’s case, his personal worldview is corroded by conspiracy theories, religion, and polemical politics (all of these elements likely cross-pollinating into some vague eschatological possibility of religio-political deliverance in the near future). Evidently, Vance is still thinking in hillbilly terms, like a discouraging proportion of Americans—most notably, the Republicans. His intellect ultimately functions as little more than a turbocharger for his inveterate hillbilly sensibilities.

Ergo, J.D. Vance has established himself as a hillbilly of the highest and most demented order. And now, as of around 3 p.m. EST today, Vance has been named Trump’s vice presidential nominee. Given the fact that Trump’s ability to stand up from a bullet wound will likely cement his bid for the presidency, this Uber-hillbilly Vice President Vance will be just a heartbeat away from leading the free world.

Obi Wan Kenobi Outed as Slave Owner

By Frisk Nightingale► 

A series of holographic recordings saved to the memory system of a decommissioned astromech droid stored in the databanks of the Tatooine archives has revealed that Benjamin Kenobi, a.k.a. Obi Wan Kenobi, was a slave owner. The messages feature Kenobi personally addressing slaves of near-Human Kiffu background, two female and one male. 

Reaction throughout the Star Wars fandom has been mixed.

"It's just devastating," said Kaley Worthington of Albany, New York, "to know that someone you respected so much participated in a system that deprived people of their most basic right—their very freedom. It's almost as bad as The Last Jedi."

In this spirit, concerned fans have demanded the removal of Obi Wan statuettes and action figures from store shelves. Previous movements for a life size statue of Obi Wan at the summit of Scotland's tallest mountain, Ben Nevis, have been retracted and/or cancelled indefinitely.

Others have been outraged for alternative reasons.

"This is history," said Scott Harkowski, a fan from St. Louis, Missouri. "You can't just cover it up or knock it down or ban it from stores. Slavery was real. So was Obi Wan Kenobi. It's unfortunate the two combined, but we can't just erase them from the past, present, and future."

"It was a long time ago in a galaxy far, far away," said Chris Hanover, an Obi Wan cosplayer from Harlan, Kentucky. "A different time and a different place. We can't judge Ben Kenobi by our present standards. Love the Jedi for what he did, even if you can't love the man."

"Personally, I don't see what's so bad about what he did," said Jebediah Crenshaw of Tupelo, Mississippi. "The real injustice is that a man can't own another man anymore. A man's got a right to his property. Many great rebels fought for that right, and Jedis too. If we forget about Obi Wan, we forget about a greater rebellion and a greater cause." 

The Case Against Ron Jeremy

By the Ewedrooper Staff▸

It was recently reported that pornographic actor Ron Jeremy will be declared incompetent to stand trail for multiple counts of sexual assault on the grounds that he suffers from "dementia." While this determination has been agreed upon by mental health experts for both the defense and prosecution, it is a decision no doubt highly unsatisfying for his victims.

Jeremy faces a dozen counts of forcible rape, seven counts of forcible oral copulation, six counts of sexual battery by restraint, four counts of sexual penetration by a foreign object, and two counts of sexual penetration of an unconscious or asleep person. He also faces one count of committing a lewd act on a minor with reference to an accusation that he sexually assaulted a 15-year-old girl in 2004.

One of his accusers is Lianne Young. A former porn performer herself, Young claims that Jeremy sexually assaulted her in a packed nightclub back in 2000.

The fact that Jeremy might not stand trial for this alleged sexual assault and all the others has left Young dispirited. She likely speaks for the other accusers in reporting that she felt "kind of numb" upon hearing the experts' determination.

"It's going to come down to public opinion now," Young has been quoted as saying, "and public opinion has looked at Ron like a god." 

We at Ewedrooper would like to reassure Ms. Young that Ron Jeremy is not nearly as exalted in public opinion as she may fear. In fact, we'd like to go on record as saying that we see Ron Jeremy as a profoundly desperate, deeply one-dimensional being without a shred of ability beyond that involved in pushing his cartoonishly disproportionate member into women paid to bear his onslaughts. He is not funny, and he's not charming. He never has been. He is less talented than Tommy Wiseau. He possesses less artistry than the Insane Clown Posse. He has as much charisma as a small-town, low-prole uncle. 

Yet his self-absorption is, for some reason, nonpareil. Of course, one would need to be narcissistic beyond comprehension to have had so many paid sex-partners in proportion to loving ones and still register self-worth. Ron Jeremy is among the most shameless of self-promoters. In this way, his whole celebrity has been one big public act of auto-fellatio—an act he has performed on camera, for some deranged reason. That bears repeating: this is a man who has sucked dick on camera for money. It would have actually been much less trashy had the dick not been his own. All Ron Jeremy's ever really had is the genetic lottery-win that is his endowment. It only served him well because he failed as a conventional actor. And his is not even a particularly aesthetically pleasing male organ. Author Chuck Palahniuk once described it as "a long pencil dick," and he's bang-on in his assessment. Ron Jeremy's penis doesn't possess the width to have been convincingly made in the image of God.

If Ron Jeremy is a god, he's Priapus, who was held in contempt for his outsized member. The Romans mocked Priapus, and mockery is all we should have ever offered Ron Jeremy. Truth be told, Ron Jeremy is more reminiscent of a theriomorphic nature spirit, akin perhaps to something like a satyr. Never satiated, and, given his squab, hirsute body-type and bestial face, unlikely to satisfy anyone not paid to fake it, he should be cast off into the wilderness where he truly belongs. It's more likely he'll be sent to a state asylum, where he can spend the rest of his days attempting auto-fellatio in a straightjacket. 

If Ron Jeremy does indeed have dementia, it's most probably a result of all the vessels in his brain that went underused due the inordinate amounts of blood required to hoist his phallus. But dementia's no reason to absolve him of his alleged crimes. There was a time when sex offenders used to get chemically castrated, and it's too bad that California couldn't bust out that old chestnut for Mr. Jeremy's case. But of course, California can't even try him, so there's no chance here for any justice.

Nonetheless, you should rest assured, Lianne Young, that at least some of the public supports you. We here at Ewedrooper acknowledge and validate your victimhood. We believe you, just as we believe all of Ron Jeremy's accusers. Ron Jeremy used his protected status in his industry to make himself untouchable while touching pretty much whomever he wanted, following the playbook of so many other #MeToo moguls to a T. We interpret his recourse to dementia as an admission of guilt. While we may not have so much as the veneer of a respectable website, we are wholly earnest in this sentiment. As such, we think a major injustice is being done to you and the other accusers. 

And we're not the only ones. While frat-boy and knuckle-tattoo types may see Jeremy as some sort of paragon or hero, most with a mental age above 18 will see through him to the bare, malignant lust that constitutes his core. The guy is Harvey Weinstein on Caverject.

Photo Credit: Section taken from www.lukeisback.com, CC BY-SA 2.5 <https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/2.5>, via Wikimedia Commons