By Elton Brawn & John Adam Gosham►
0. Suicide is not an option.
1. Commit to not celebrating any other holidays this year. Dilute your failure by dismissing all special occasions. The exception is St. Patrick’s Day. You might as well just start drowning your sorrows now.
10. Visit a RealDoll© brothel. If your city or town does not have a RealDoll© brothel, draft a business proposal for a RealDoll© brothel.
12. Drive two miles into the countryside, find a small wooded area, and dig a shallow grave. Lie in it until 12:01, February 15. Supine or prostrate, the choice is yours—it’s your night and yours alone!
DISCLAIMER: The authors claim no conflict of interest on account of affiliations with RealDoll© parent company Abyss Creations, LLC, or its subsidiaries.
1. Commit to not celebrating any other holidays this year. Dilute your failure by dismissing all special occasions. The exception is St. Patrick’s Day. You might as well just start drowning your sorrows now.
2. Take anaphrodisiacs: Saltpeter for the gents, emetic tartar for the ladies. If you’ve obliterated your own sex drive, then it's technically not rejection, is it?
3. Get all dressed up. Buy wine and flowers. Put them in a shopping bag decorated with cute little hearts. Walk around town, letting the bag swing jauntily. Whistle cheerfully. Do this all day. Keep a brisk pace. Check your watch while waiting at crosswalks, occasionally letting out a mild exhalation. Smile knowingly at couples.
4. Lick poles on the subway. Sleep in close quarters with livestock. Do what it takes to say you were sick on Valentine’s.
5. Comfort an in-cel. Take him out for ice cream. Buy him a Pikachu plushy; maybe even a Transformer. Tousle his hair.
6. Start a vicious argument on Pornhub. In the comments section, insult the plebeian tastes of your fellow users. Draw attention to the uninspired lighting, unconvincing plot, and listless performers.
7. Pull the blinds, turn out all the lights, and eat an entire erotic cake in the full dark. Reminder: suicide is not an option.
8. Browse the Dark Web.
9. Start taking Opioids. And if you've already started, stop.
11. Itemize the character flaws of the happiest people you know, with examples. (e.g. “My friend Paula, who runs a non-profit organization rehabilitating the homeless, is a sanctimonious workaholic.”)
DISCLAIMER: The authors claim no conflict of interest on account of affiliations with RealDoll© parent company Abyss Creations, LLC, or its subsidiaries.
***
Elton Brawn lives in Las Vegas, where he is involved in a variety of criminal activities. John Adam Gosham lives in a shack in densely wooded area in the middle of the American heartland.
Image attribution: Come As You Are from Toronto, CANADA / CC BY (https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/2.0)
Image attribution: Come As You Are from Toronto, CANADA / CC BY (https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/2.0)
