All About Mia Khalifa

By Thesal Thayer►

My friend loves Mia Khalifa. He's got a wife and kids, but he's always talking about Mia Khalifa. He says he barely ever watches porn, but when he does, it's most always Mia Khalifa. He says that Mia Khalifa is the most beautiful woman he's ever seen, save for his wife. He says Mia Khalifa seems like she has a great personality, too. She always looks so happy. She has a lovely smile. Her bosom is maternally massive, and yet each breast is preternaturally spherical.

My friend says it doesn't matter that Mia Khalifa is Muslim. He says that sex is about bringing people together, and that Mia Khalifa is breaking down barriers with her popularity. He says that everyone must make a living and that only God can judge her. Mia Khalifa is doing much more good than harm, my friend says. She will bridge the cultural gap.

I'm terminally single, so I'm not going to string you along and try to convince you that I don't jack off and that I don't watch porn. I do and I do. But I have yet to watch a Mia Khalifa video, let alone jack off to it. I truly want to, though. But I've been so cavalier with my carnal impulses, I've never been able to fit her into the rotation. Mia Khalifa was not made to be taken by rote, though. A part of me wants to schedule a Mia Khalifa video—to designate a solid hour of Onanism to her—but that would kill the spontaneity, I would think.

Mia Khalifa is my summum bonum. Mia Khalifa is my masturbatory mountain top. She is what I aspire to. And so I have to learn her. I have to earn her. How do I know this? Because, at present, I find her a bit too strabysmic to be classically attractive.

In the meantime, I toil away with the amateur section of PornHub, the tasteful nudes on DeviantArt. I stay home gratifying myself to lesser porn starlets with bated breath. One day, I'll be worthy. One day, I'll see her beauty. When I am ready, Mia Khalifa will be there brandishing her over-eager smile in my algorithmically suggested thumbnails, waiting to guide me toward my auto-erotic self-actualization.

But maybe only once I'm married with kids.

***

Image Credit: Hey B*tch! Highlights, CC BY 3.0 <https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/3.0>, via Wikimedia Commons

Trump Supporter Chokes Out Immigrant Family at Hospital

By Stephen Kunk►

A man in a MAGA hat physically accosted a family of Mexican immigrants at an emergency room in Laredo, Texas, last Wednesday.

Wilson Statum Watson is charged with two counts of assault and one count of violating parole for his attack on Dr. Rodrigo Curbelo and his daughter Josefina. 

Watson had arrived at the Laredo Medical Center complaining of shortness of breath and coughing fits. When ER doctors initiated COVID-19 protocols, Watson grew agitated and began verbally accosting the medical staff, insisting that the pandemic was a hoax. 

When nurses and orderlies tried to restrain Watson, he broke away and ran haphazardly through the hospital. Witnesses report that he was screaming "COVID is a hoax!"

Watson wound up in the hospital cafeteria, where Dr. Curbelo was eating lunch with his wife and children. When Curbelo attempted to ease the tensions, Watson promptly put him in a rear naked choke. When Curbelo's wife intervened, Watson applied the chokehold to Curbelo's fifteen-year-old daughter Josefina. 

As he choked out the girl, Watson claimed that COVID was "made in a lab in Mexico."

Dr. Curbelo eventually wrestled Watson off his daughter and restrained him until security arrived.

Watson, currently on parole for illegal gun possession, was placed under arrest by the Webb County Sheriff's Department. He will appear before a judge when and if he recovers from COVID-19, for which he was indeed positive. Dr. Curbelo and his daughter suffered only minor injuries, though they are currently isolating due to COVID protocols and will have to do so through Christmas.

So while the 2020 Election may have knocked the wind out the Donald Trump presidency, the spirit of Trumpism lives on. 

Cast Your Meds Upon the Waters: How a Republican County Turned Democrat

By Stephen Kunk►

Big Swampy County in the Florida Panhandle underwent a massive political facelift in the 2020 General Election. The primarily rural county, which borders Alabama, voted 99% Republican in the 2016 election. In 2020, however, it went 100% Democrat.

The reason? It must have been something in the water.

No, really. It was something in the water.

In 2017, a team of chemists, chemical engineers, and neuroscientists from a host of world-class Panhandle universities embarked upon an ambitious initiative in Big Swampy County. In cooperation with the Big Swampy Department of Public Works, the Florida Public Service Commission, and the Defense Advanced Research Projects Agency (DARPA), the research team began putting small doses of olanzapine in the Big Swampy water supply. Olanzapine is an anti-psychotic.

Apparently, a small amount of psychiatric medication can go a long way. The across-the-board Republican voting, from President to District Court of Appeal to Sheriff to Dog Catcher, flipped over to Democrat in just one election cycle.

"We're astounded by the results," said Andreas Nabovsky, head of applied neurochemical engineering at Florida Pacific University, and leader of the research team. "And we're very pleased, as well. With the advent of Democratic leadership, we've already been able to secure several future projects of this nature in other, larger backwater jurisdictions."

Tampa Bay, Tallahassee, Gainesville, and Orlando have all expressed interest in Nabovsky's research. So too has the incoming Biden administration.

"It's neurochemical engineering, technically speaking," Nabovsky went on to say. "But we jokingly call it 'civil engineering' because it's civilizing a lot of people in the places that need it most."