Man Rescinds Tip After Date Sufficiently Impressed

By Elton Brawn►

This is not what the date looked like at all.

An anonymous waitress has gone viral on the internet after telling a story about a customer who pretended to give her a big tip only to impress his date.

According to the waitress, the gentleman made quite a display about giving her a $100 tip, only to come back into the restaurant afterward to amend the gratuity to $20, brashly explaining, without shame, that he had only pretended to tip $100 in order to impress his date.

The bill itself had been $289, meaning that the final $20 amounted to a measly 6.9% tip—cheap by any standards.

When the gentleman left, the waitress realized he hadn’t signed the new receipt. She followed him out onto the street where she asked him to sign the new receipt, stating that he had altered the original tip loudly enough that his date could hear.

The internet, of course, applauded the waitress’ takedown of this manipulative Casanova, unanimously agreeing that she had done his date a favor.

But, as usual, the internet is wrong.

See, I happen to be that manipulative Casanova. It’s literally me, the author of this article. And the “date” whom I took out for a $289 meal was actually a prostitute (who also cost me $289, incidentally), and everything that the waitress witnessed was part of an elaborately staged role play, the ultimate telos of which was the fulfilment of a masochistic sexual fantasy wherein I am humiliated and then punished for being a naughty and dishonest little piglet who isn’t allowed to squeal even when Mommy steps on his little curly with her red pointy boots.

Or at least that’s the gist of it. It’s actually much more elaborate than that. But I won’t bore you with irrelevant details about The Barnyard because Mommy doesn’t like it when Piglet tells people about The Barnyard.

The point is, you can’t always believe what you read online. I’m happy that the waitress got some viral fame from all this, and I hope that fame makes up for my meagre tip. But it’s important to always remind yourself, when judging someone, that maybe you don’t have the full story. Maybe you're getting just the tip of the iceberg. Maybe that anonymous asshole you hate so much is actually just a regular person who is trying their best to meet their needs in a world that could never possibly fulfill their true passions.

***

Elton Brawn has three children from four different women: among the mothers are Siamese twins joined at the womb.

Tennessee Man Attacks Police Officers with Colostomy Bag

 By Elton Brawn►

A man in Nashville has been arrested after he swung a brimming colostomy bag at two police officers. The officers, who both ended up covered in his feces, had been called after the man, drunk, had refused to leave a bar.

The man also reportedly had Confederate and Nazi imagery tattooed onto his face and scalp, which came as a surprise to literally no one. Confederate flags and swastikas accessorize well with colostomy bags. Anti-racism activists were quick to point out that had a black man swung a bag full of his own shit at the cops, he would have been shot dead on the spot.

The accused, Nicholas Newhart, and his colostomy bag (right).
(Nashville Metro Police Department)

Some commentators even went so far as to assert that an aggressor who swings a full colostomy bag at people like a chain mace should be shot dead by police. It was even suggested that the two officers—who, again, did get covered in feces, during a pandemic no less—should maybe be disciplined for not shooting the man.

"It's really gross," one internet commentator opined. "You can't have people flinging shit at each other during a pandemic. That man deserves to die."

(Yes, that commentator is me.)

Meanwhile, white supremacist groups have remained awkwardly silent regarding the attack. One can surmise that having one of their own staggering around fuckhead-drunk and hurling feces at law enforcement like some kind of frightened monkey might not fully jibe with their notion that whites are somehow superior human beings.

But white supremacists inclined to look on the bright side might take some solace it this: perhaps only a Confederate Nazi would have the pluck and resourcefulness to wield a colostomy bag as a weapon. Talk about intestinal fortitude.

***

Elton Brawn is a writer who gets women. Like, a lot of women.

All About Mia Khalifa

By Thesal Thayer►

My friend loves Mia Khalifa. He's got a wife and kids, but he's always talking about Mia Khalifa. He says he barely ever watches porn, but when he does, it's most always Mia Khalifa. He says that Mia Khalifa is the most beautiful woman he's ever seen, save for his wife. He says Mia Khalifa seems like she has a great personality, too. She always looks so happy. She has a lovely smile. Her bosom is maternally massive, and yet each breast is preternaturally spherical.

My friend says it doesn't matter that Mia Khalifa is Muslim. He says that sex is about bringing people together, and that Mia Khalifa is breaking down barriers with her popularity. He says that everyone must make a living and that only God can judge her. Mia Khalifa is doing much more good than harm, my friend says. She will bridge the cultural gap.

I'm terminally single, so I'm not going to string you along and try to convince you that I don't jack off and that I don't watch porn. I do and I do. But I have yet to watch a Mia Khalifa video, let alone jack off to it. I truly want to, though. But I've been so cavalier with my carnal impulses, I've never been able to fit her into the rotation. Mia Khalifa was not made to be taken by rote, though. A part of me wants to schedule a Mia Khalifa video—to designate a solid hour of Onanism to her—but that would kill the spontaneity, I would think.

Mia Khalifa is my summum bonum. Mia Khalifa is my masturbatory mountain top. She is what I aspire to. And so I have to learn her. I have to earn her. How do I know this? Because, at present, I find her a bit too strabysmic to be classically attractive.

In the meantime, I toil away with the amateur section of PornHub, the tasteful nudes on DeviantArt. I stay home gratifying myself to lesser porn starlets with bated breath. One day, I'll be worthy. One day, I'll see her beauty. When I am ready, Mia Khalifa will be there brandishing her over-eager smile in my algorithmically suggested thumbnails, waiting to guide me toward my auto-erotic self-actualization.

But maybe only once I'm married with kids.

***

Image Credit: Hey B*tch! Highlights, CC BY 3.0 <https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/3.0>, via Wikimedia Commons