Things Single People Can Do on Valentine’s Day (That Don’t Directly Involve Masturbating)

By Elton Brawn & John Adam Gosham►

0. Suicide is not an option.

1. Commit to not celebrating any other holidays this year. Dilute your failure by dismissing all special occasions. The exception is St. Patrick’s Day. You might as well just start drowning your sorrows now.

2. Take anaphrodisiacs: Saltpeter for the gents, emetic tartar for the ladies. If you’ve obliterated your own sex drive, then it's technically not rejection, is it?

3. Get all dressed up. Buy wine and flowers. Put them in a shopping bag decorated with cute little hearts. Walk around town, letting the bag swing jauntily. Whistle cheerfully. Do this all day. Keep a brisk pace. Check your watch while waiting at crosswalks, occasionally letting out a mild exhalation. Smile knowingly at couples.

4.  Lick poles on the subway. Sleep in close quarters with livestock. Do what it takes to say you were sick on Valentine’s.

5. Comfort an in-cel. Take him out for ice cream. Buy him a Pikachu plushy; maybe even a Transformer. Tousle his hair.

6. Start a vicious argument on Pornhub. In the comments section, insult the plebeian tastes of your fellow users. Draw attention to the uninspired lighting, unconvincing plot, and listless performers.

7. Pull the blinds, turn out all the lights, and eat an entire erotic cake in the full dark. Reminder: suicide is not an option.

8. Browse the Dark Web.

9. Start taking Opioids. And if you've already started, stop.

10. Visit a RealDoll© brothel. If your city or town does not have a RealDoll© brothel, draft a business proposal for a RealDoll© brothel.

11. Itemize the character flaws of the happiest people you know, with examples. (e.g. “My friend Paula, who runs a non-profit organization rehabilitating the homeless, is a sanctimonious workaholic.”)

  

12. Drive two miles into the countryside, find a small wooded area, and dig a shallow grave. Lie in it until 12:01, February 15. Supine or prostrate, the choice is yours—it’s your night and yours alone!

DISCLAIMER: The authors claim no conflict of interest on account of affiliations with RealDoll© parent company Abyss Creations, LLC, or its subsidiaries.

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Elton Brawn lives in Las Vegas, where he is involved in a variety of criminal activities. John Adam Gosham lives in a shack in densely wooded area in the middle of the American heartland.

Image attribution: Come As You Are from Toronto, CANADA / CC BY (https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/2.0)

Floridians Boycott World News Daily Report for Going Too Far

By Stephen Kunk►

Sometimes, even fake news can go too far. World News Daily Report (WNDR), a notorious fake news site run out of Quebec, recently published a story that has been met with outrage throughout the state of Florida.

The controversial WNDR story reported that a serial burglar from North Florida had made a shameful confession to police. He had broken into a house and stolen a jar of what he thought to be drugs. He then proceeded to snort the supposed drugs, only to find out that it was not cocaine or some other powder-based stimulant, but rather dried-up semen that was being collected by the woman of the house. For his indulgence, the burglar got genital herpes and syphilis.

Or so the story was contrived. None of the events actually took place, as should have been clear by the bold disclaimer to that effect at the top of the webpage. Nonetheless, the details hit a little too close to home for a few dedicated Floridian readers, and the resultant ire has been all too real.

"It's on attack on our culture," said Linda Sue Parsons, head of the Florida Republican Alliance of Women's Traditions (FRAWT). "It mocks our core customs."

One can see how Floridians would be easily deceived by a story of a man snorting dried semen from a come-hoarder's private collection. Semen-hoarding is a cherished Floridian cultural practice--nothing short of a rite of passage for North Florida working class Republican women and girls.

Congressman Ted Yoho (R-Florida)

"WNDR has been so responsive to Florida-related matters in the past," said Ted Yoho, a congressman based in Gainesville. "So I'm surprised and saddened by these developments. Semen in a jar is like a cellphone--or a handgun--in your pocket. For WNDR to mock this fundamental Floridian right is utterly tasteless."

Many Floridians have vowed to no longer rely on WNDR as their go-to news source. In this spirit, a Facebook-based boycott has been organized by Earlene Hopkins of Okeechobee.

"To go and make fun of the come jar," said Hopkins, a seventeen-year-old mother of six, "it feels like betrayal. I don't want my five daughters to grow up ashamed of their heritage.

"Florida trusted you, WNDR, and then you go and insult us like this?"

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Stephen Kunk is a staff reporter for Ewedrooper. He lives in Oregon with his wife and, alas, only two daughters.

Trump is Dating Greta Thunberg

By Thesal Thayer & Elton Brawn►

Move over Stormy Daniels, a new warm front is moving through the White House. President Trump’s latest flame is none other than Swedish climate-change activist Greta Thunberg.

Trump and Thunberg were seen together in Washington last weekend, getting hot and heavy over ice cream. The usually cloudy-browed Thunberg was all smiles and sunshine in the president's company, happily lapping at the Donald’s Rocky Road until it melted.

The relationship was forged after Trump called out Thunberg on Twitter in December, urging her to “go to a good old fashioned movie with a friend.” As it turned out, Trump ended up joining Thunberg at the movie, and the two quickly became more than friends.

“It was love at first sight,” said the anonymous acquaintance who accompanied Thunberg to the movie. “Their hands are the exact same size.”

According to an unnamed White House staffer, the couple has special plans for later this winter. Trump will be whisking away Thunberg on a romantic Arctic cruise to take in the sights of the remaining polar ice caps.

Water levels aren’t the only thing consistently rising. The president and the climate crusader can’t be kept apart, their desire burning like an Australian wildfire. To make Thunberg feel at home in the White House, Trump has had one of the guest bedrooms refurnished entirely with IKEA. Reportedly, the frames of her Malm bed have been reinforced to handle Trump's sizable mass.

Rumor has it that First Lady Melania is feeling left out in the cold. While she’s long since resigned herself to accepting her husband’s constant extramarital dalliances, she’s apparently miffed that in this case she’s been ditched not for a pneumatic twenty-something blonde, but rather an autistic sixteen-year-old.

The First Lady’s inner pain notwithstanding, the forecast is undeniable: this winter in Washington is going to be sultry.

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Thesal Thayer is the editor of Done to Death: The Last Zombie Anthology Ever! Elton Brawn carries a briefcase containing all necessary accoutrements for freebasing cocaine.