Obi Wan Kenobi Outed as Slave Owner

By Frisk Nightingale► 

A series of holographic recordings saved to the memory system of a decommissioned astromech droid stored in the databanks of the Tatooine archives has revealed that Benjamin Kenobi, a.k.a. Obi Wan Kenobi, was a slave owner. The messages feature Kenobi personally addressing slaves of near-Human Kiffu background, two female and one male. 

Reaction throughout the Star Wars fandom has been mixed.

"It's just devastating," said Kaley Worthington of Albany, New York, "to know that someone you respected so much participated in a system that demeaned people of their most basic right—their very freedom. It's almost as bad as The Last Jedi."

In this spirit, concerned fans have demanded the removal of Obi Wan statuettes and action figures from store shelves. Previous movements for a life size statue of Obi Wan at the summit of Scotland's tallest mountain, Ben Nevis, have been retracted and/or cancelled indefinitely.

Others have been outraged for alternative reasons.

"This is history," said Scott Harkowski, a fan from St. Louis, Missouri. "You can't just cover it up or knock it down or ban it from stores. Slavery was real. So was Obi Wan Kenobi. It's unfortunate the two combined, but we can't just erase them from the past, present, and future."

"It was a long time ago in a galaxy far, far away," said Chris Hanover, an Obi Wan cosplayer from Harlan, Kentucky. "A different time and a different place. We can't judge Ben Kenobi by our present standards. Love the Jedi for what he did, even if you can't love the man."

"Personally, I don't see what's so bad about what he did," said Jebediah Crenshaw of Tupelo, Mississippi. "The real injustice is that a man can't own another man anymore. A man's got a right to his property. Many great rebels fought for that right, and Jedis too. If we forget about Obi Wan, we forget about a greater rebellion and a greater cause." 

The Case Against Ron Jeremy

By the Ewedrooper Staff▸

It was recently reported that pornographic actor Ron Jeremy will be declared incompetent to stand trail for multiple counts of sexual assault on the grounds that he suffers from "dementia." While this determination has been agreed upon by mental health experts for both the defense and prosecution, it is a decision no doubt highly unsatisfying for his victims.

Jeremy faces a dozen counts of forcible rape, seven counts of forcible oral copulation, six counts of sexual battery by restraint, four counts of sexual penetration by a foreign object, and two counts of sexual penetration of an unconscious or asleep person. He also faces one count of committing a lewd act on a minor with reference to an accusation that he sexually assaulted a 15-year-old girl in 2004.

One of his accusers is Lianne Young. A former porn performer herself, Young claims that Jeremy sexually assaulted her in a packed nightclub back in 2000.

The fact that Jeremy might not stand trial for this alleged sexual assault and all the others has left Young dispirited. She likely speaks for the other accusers in reporting that she felt "kind of numb" upon hearing the experts' determination.

"It's going to come down to public opinion now," Young has been quoted as saying, "and public opinion has looked at Ron like a god." 

We at Ewedrooper would like to reassure Ms. Young that Ron Jeremy is not nearly as exalted in public opinion as she may fear. In fact, we'd like to go on record as saying that we see Ron Jeremy as a profoundly desperate, deeply one-dimensional being without a shred of ability beyond that involved in pushing his cartoonishly disproportionate member into women paid to bear his onslaughts. He is not funny, and he's not charming. He never has been. He is less talented than Tommy Wiseau. He possesses less artistry than the Insane Clown Posse. He has as much charisma as a small-town, low-prole uncle. 

Yet his self-absorption is, for some reason, nonpareil. Of course, one would need to be narcissistic beyond comprehension to have had so many paid sex-partners in proportion to loving ones and still register self-worth. Ron Jeremy is among the most shameless of self-promoters. In this way, his whole celebrity has been one big public act of auto-fellatio—an act he has performed on camera, for some deranged reason. That bears repeating: this is a man who has sucked dick on camera for money. It would have actually been much less trashy had the dick not been his own. All Ron Jeremy's ever really had is the genetic lottery-win that is his endowment. It only served him well because he failed as a conventional actor. And his is not even a particularly aesthetically pleasing male organ. Author Chuck Palahniuk once described it as "a long pencil dick," and he's bang-on in his assessment. Ron Jeremy's penis doesn't possess the width to have been convincingly made in the image of God.

If Ron Jeremy is a god, he's Priapus, who was held in contempt for his outsized member. The Romans mocked Priapus, and mockery is all we should have ever offered Ron Jeremy. Truth be told, Ron Jeremy is more reminiscent of a theriomorphic nature spirit, akin perhaps to something like a satyr. Never satiated, and, given his squab, hirsute body-type and bestial face, unlikely to satisfy anyone not paid to fake it, he should be cast off into the wilderness where he truly belongs. It's more likely he'll be sent to a state asylum, where he can spend the rest of his days attempting auto-fellatio in a straightjacket. 

If Ron Jeremy does indeed have dementia, it's most probably a result of all the vessels in his brain that went underused due the inordinate amounts of blood required to hoist his phallus. But dementia's no reason to absolve him of his alleged crimes. There was a time when sex offenders used to get chemically castrated, and it's too bad that California couldn't bust out that old chestnut for Mr. Jeremy's case. But of course, California can't even try him, so there's no chance here for any justice.

Nonetheless, you should rest assured, Lianne Young, that at least some of the public supports you. We here at Ewedrooper acknowledge and validate your victimhood. We believe you, just as we believe all of Ron Jeremy's accusers. Ron Jeremy used his protected status in his industry to make himself untouchable while touching pretty much whomever he wanted, following the playbook of so many other #MeToo moguls to a T. We interpret his recourse to dementia as an admission of guilt. While we may not have so much as the veneer of a respectable website, we are wholly earnest in this sentiment. As such, we think a major injustice is being done to you and the other accusers. 

And we're not the only ones. While frat-boy and knuckle-tattoo types may see Jeremy as some sort of paragon or hero, most with a mental age above 18 will see through him to the bare, malignant lust that constitutes his core. The guy is Harvey Weinstein on Caverject.

Photo Credit: Section taken from www.lukeisback.com, CC BY-SA 2.5 <https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/2.5>, via Wikimedia Commons

Blind Mole Rat Wins Lotto, Plans Disneyland Trip

By Rape Lansky►

Naked Photo of the Mole Rat

A mole rat based in Langley is British Columbia's newest millionaire, winning the jackpot in last Saturday's Lotto Max draw.

The first thing the mole rat plans to do with her $1 million prize is take a trip to Disneyland.

"I've always wanted to go," said the mole rat in a press release from BC Lottos. "I'm taking all my children and grandchildren."

The mole rat obtained her winning ticket at a Circle-K confectionary adjacent to which she lives. The win is all the more inspiring in that the mole rat is blind. She has never seen light or dark. 

"I was getting bored sitting around talking about the weather," the blind mole rat said. "This is my deliverance."

Photo Credit: Uploaded by Jedimentat44 on flickr., CC BY 2.0 <https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/2.0>, via Wikimedia Commons