All About Mia Khalifa

By Thesal Thayer►

My friend loves Mia Khalifa. He's got a wife and kids, but he's always talking about Mia Khalifa. He says he barely ever watches porn, but when he does, it's most always Mia Khalifa. He says that Mia Khalifa is the most beautiful woman he's ever seen, save for his wife. He says Mia Khalifa seems like she has a great personality, too. She always looks so happy. She has a lovely smile. Her bosom is maternally massive, and yet each breast is preternaturally spherical.

My friend says it doesn't matter that Mia Khalifa is Muslim. He says that sex is about bringing people together, and that Mia Khalifa is breaking down barriers with her popularity. He says that everyone must make a living and that only God can judge her. Mia Khalifa is doing much more good than harm, my friend says. She will bridge the cultural gap.

I'm terminally single, so I'm not going to string you along and try to convince you that I don't jack off and that I don't watch porn. I do and I do. But I have yet to watch a Mia Khalifa video, let alone jack off to it. I truly want to, though. But I've been so cavalier with my carnal impulses, I've never been able to fit her into the rotation. Mia Khalifa was not made to be taken by rote, though. A part of me wants to schedule a Mia Khalifa video—to designate a solid hour of Onanism to her—but that would kill the spontaneity, I would think.

Mia Khalifa is my summum bonum. Mia Khalifa is my masturbatory mountain top. She is what I aspire to. And so I have to learn her. I have to earn her. How do I know this? Because, at present, I find her a bit too strabysmic to be classically attractive.

In the meantime, I toil away with the amateur section of PornHub, the tasteful nudes on DeviantArt. I stay home gratifying myself to lesser porn starlets with bated breath. One day, I'll be worthy. One day, I'll see her beauty. When I am ready, Mia Khalifa will be there brandishing her over-eager smile in my algorithmically suggested thumbnails, waiting to guide me toward my auto-erotic self-actualization.

But maybe only once I'm married with kids.

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Image Credit: Hey B*tch! Highlights, CC BY 3.0 <https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/3.0>, via Wikimedia Commons