Cobra Commander Resigns amid Sex Allegations

By John Adam Gosham▸

Cobra Commander has temporarily resigned as leader of the worldwide terrorist operation Cobra amid accusations of sexual misconduct that have come out in the past week.

A visibly distraught Cobra Commander asks
a staffer for directions to his press briefing
“After consulting with friends, family and Cobra delegates, I have decided to step down as the leader of Cobra,” a tearful Cobra Commander read from a prepared statement. “I will remain with Cobra, the organization I have built from the ground up, in an advisory capacity while I definitively clear my name from these false allegations.”

Earlier this week, two women went public on Twitter with complaints of harassment spanning the past decade.

The first, a former receptionist at Cobra Headquarters underneath Springfield, Mass., alleges that Cobra Commander gave her “too many drinks to count” at a 2009 Christmas party and then invited her to a secret bunker. “The next thing I know he’s rubbing his faceplate against me,” she explained.

The second woman came forward soon after with complaints of unwanted sexual harassment while she was training as a Night Stalker assault trooper. She claims that Cobra Commander sent her illicit text messages containing waist-down nude photos of himself, including one captioned “Here's what I look like without the hood.”

“Personally, I have worked very closely with Cobra Commander for many years and have never had any problems,” said Anastasia Cisarovna, Cobra’s Director of Intelligence, better known as The Baroness. “I am living proof that he is an equitable employer who sees women as equals. He is entitled to a legal defense and due process and should be presumed innocent until he receives a trial.” Cisarovna will assume the mantle as interim commander of Cobra for the foreseeable future.

Even President Trump tweeted his support:


Reuters is reporting that one of the women may go forward with pressing charges. This could spell jail time for Cobra Commander, which he has evaded even after decades of being pursued by the GI Joes, an elite covert special mission unit operating in conjunction with the United States Military.

“We're just as shocked as anyone by these young women's allegations against Cobra Commander,” said Conrad Hauser, also known by his codename Duke, a field commander and first sergeant for the GI Joes. “Quite frankly, we always just assumed he was gay.”

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John Adam Gosham is the author of The Stink Ape: An Erotic Ensemble, the all-time best-selling book on Goathanger.com. He lives in a shack in an undisclosed location in the Midwestern United States.

Image Attribution: By Christopher Brown from Houston, United States (Flickr) [CC BY 2.0 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/2.0)], via Wikimedia Commons