By John Adam Gosham ►
In a recent multimedia altercation, President Donald Trump and former Vice President Joe Biden exchanged unequivocal fighting words. Biden publicly stated that if he and Trump were in high school, he would "take him behind the gym and beat the hell out of him." The POTUS promptly tweeted back, imagining a much different outcome for the hypothetical donnybrook: "[Biden] would go down fast and hard, crying all the way." This war of words necessarily provokes the question: who would win a fistic dustup between Joe Biden and President Trump? The answer depends on the nature of the fight.
If Trump and Biden were to meet in a boxing match, the former VP has the obvious edge. While Trump has a two inch height advantage, he carries considerably more weight than the relatively svelte Biden. Biden would be able to slip Trump’s haymakers and pepper the POTUS with some quick counter-jabs. One size advantage Biden does have is in his hands, with which he'd surely be able to land some heavy hooks and uppercuts on Trump’s pouty orange moue. By contrast, Trump’s balled-white, child-sized fists would leave lots of room in twelve-ounce gloves, making for punches that would land pillowy at best against Biden's all-American chin. Biden also has a sports background, having played football and baseball in his youth, so he'd likely be able to last into the later rounds against Trump, whose athletic ventures go no further than golf and some recreational tennis. The fight wouldn't be a long one, though: two blasts from Biden’s soup-bone fists and Trump would be wearing his famed flaxen hair-swoop like a mullet. The result: Biden by knockout in the early rounds.
If Trump and Biden were to meet in the UFC cage, the matchup would be much more closely contested. If the fight went to the ground, Trump’s size would give him a tremendous advantage, especially with his girdle off. It is a well-alleged fact that Trump is skilled at distributing the considerable surface area of his frame to immobilize other people—he was, for instance, readily able to pin Jill Harth and later on Natasha Stoynoff against the walls of his Mar-a-Lago estate. In this regard, Trump could also use the walls of the cage to his advantage. But again, Biden's athleticism and relative mobility would be to his benefit. If he could escape the inevitable mount and get Trump on his back, a little ground and pound could dizzy the President, giving Biden the opportunity to exploit the Donald's pre-existing injuries—namely, the bone spurs in his heel. The result: Biden by tap-out (heel hook) in round one.
The only way Trump could win a matchup with Biden is if they met in a WWE ring. Match outcomes in pro wrestling are, of course, pre-determined, with the most popular performers "going over" like clockwork at the marquee events. Wrestling fans are largely comprised of shiftless sons-of-the-soil and self-deluded uber-bros run to fat, most of whom are looking for a superman savior to salve unmet expectations vis-à-vis their personal experience of manhood. As such, they make up a significant subset of the people who voted for Trump, and will vote for him again. Biden, meanwhile, as a Juris Doctor and career establishment politician (Democrat, no less), is precisely the kind of accomplished individual that wrestling fans hate. Hence, the obvious choice for WWE's writing staff would be to give the fan-favorite Trump the win. The decision: Trump by pin-fall after Vladimir Putin interferes, laying out Biden with a chair.
Though Biden would clearly come out the winner in any legitimate fight with President Trump, the thought of a Biden-Trump dream match is still eminently intriguing. It is truly a testament to the electrifying state of American political discourse when two high-ranking septuagenarian statesmen can trade provocations in a public forum in a manner akin to that of roid-raging pro wrestlers. Perhaps we can even dream of a consummately all-American future in which voting will be done away with entirely to be replaced by a Republican vs. Democrat, candidate vs. candidate cage match for the Presidency, the primaries having been decided by a no-holds-barred, bunkhouse battle royal.
John Adam Gosham is the author of The Stink Ape: An Erotic Ensemble, the all-time best-selling book on Goathanger.com. He lives in a shack in an undisclosed location in the Midwestern United States.
Image Attribution: Biden: By World Economic Forum [CC BY-SA 2.0 (https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/2.0)], via Wikimedia Commons. Trump: Gage Skidmore [CC BY-SA 3.0 (https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/3.0)], via Wikimedia Commons. Photos have been amalgamated by Ewedrooper; users are free to distribute the newly created image under their respective licenses listed here above.