A Dam Shame: Linguistic Relativism and Necrophilic Bestiality

By Charles Norwood (with additional files from Stephen Kunk)►

Crystal meth is a hardcore drug. And if Whitney Nycole of Washington state didn't know that, she sure as shit does now. Why? Because poor Ms. Nycole had the dubious privilege of watching a meth-head have sex with a dying beaver. And that's about as hardcore as things get right there.

Nycole first found the beaver after it had been hit by a car and left for dead. At that point, the animal was still alive, though badly injured. She hurried home to get a box so she could transport the beaver to a veterinary clinic. But when she came back, things had taken a turn for the worse.

At first she thought that Richard Delp, 35, was merely comforting the dying animal. But, as she neared, she discovered that Mr. Delp had things other than palliative care on his mind. His pants were down, and he was having intercourse with the beaver. Nycole, horrified, called the police, who arrested Delp on charges of animal cruelty and possession of methamphetamine. Tragically, however, the beaver couldn't be saved. It had perished while Delp was fucking it.

But why? Why would a man have sex with a beaver? Aside from the fact that meth is one hell of a drug, there may be something else going on here as well.

There is a hypothesis in linguistics that the languages we speak influence and shape our thoughts and even our perceptions. Known as Whorfianism, the hypothesis asserts that the structure and content of the languages we speak are reflected in the realities that we experience. Rather than merely conveying objective reality to us, our brains construct a subjectivized version of reality, and both language and culture play an unconscious role in determining how we experience the world.

And so, according to Whorfianism, Richard Delp may actually have believed he was making love to a woman rather than a dead animal. "Beaver"—the word refers to a large semi-aquatic rodent with a flat tail and a penchant for building dams. But it also refers to the genitalia of a female human being. What if Delp, due to a semantic error (not to mention a sort of synesthesia of the concrete and figurative) deep in his meth-addled brain, saw a beautiful woman with willingly parted legs lying there on the side of the road that night? What if Delp merely got "whorfed" into committing the indecent act rather than actively choosing to do something horrendous?

Nobody wins in this story. It starts with an innocent beaver being hit by a car, and it ends with necrophiliac bestiality. It's a goddamn nightmare for everybody involved (even for Richard Delp, who was presumably interrupted before he could climax). Really, the only silver lining here is that things weren't as bad as they could have been. Indeed, the only winners here are the women Delp might have assaulted that night had he not laid eyes on that mangled Castor canadensis when he had.

Also, one has to wonder if this incident indexes rising anti-Canadian sentiment in the United States of America. In addition to signifying the vagina, the beaver is also a symbol of Canada as a nation. Given the increased trade tension between Canada and the United States at present, Delp’s erotic aggressions could speak to more than just the potency of meth. The brutality done to the beaver may suggest that the American collective unconscious, when fully awakened, seeks all-out assaults against its meek northern neighbor and the figurative vaginas that so adequately emblematize them. 

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Charles Norwood lives in Toronto where he is involved in a diverse array of criminal activities. He is the author of Epistemology Bloody Epistemology

Were it Not for the Feint of Heart: How to Take your First Date Game to the Next Level

By Charles Norwood ►

Things got steamy for a man and a woman when the man had a heart attack on their first date.

A kiss by any other name would taste as sweet.
The couple was out paddle-boarding when suddenly the man experienced numbness, discomfort, and fatigue. Once they got out of the water, he collapsed. The couple then shared their first kiss when the woman performed CPR on the man, saving his life.

Or so it would seem.

To the untrained eye, this story may seem like a scary tale with a cute and happy ending. But it's not. To those of us with more life experience and more world weariness, it's obvious what's really going on here. This is actually a tale of deceit and manipulation.

It's called The Heart Attack Gambit, and it has been around for years. A man (or a woman, but it is almost always a man) finds himself on a date with someone whom he likes, but instead of dawdling through the numerous tedious steps circumscribed by dating culture, he decides to throw things into high gear right off the bat. So he fakes a heart attack. And almost immediately a few things take place.

Firstly, he gets a kiss. Sure, It's a clinical CPR-mediated kiss, but lip-to lip contact has still been achieved. A kiss has occurred. His foot, so to speak, is in the door. Despite the fact that he's pretending to be dead on their first date, the space between them has become alive with possibility.

Secondly, he has managed to arouse her in a non-threatening and non-creepy way. True, the source of the arousal is panic rather than sexual attraction, butand this is keythe body doesn't know the difference. Psychologically, she might be quite traumatized by the episode. But physically all she remembers is that he turned her on.

Thirdly, women like sensitive men. They do. But, at the same time, women dislike weak men. And figuring out how to walk this fine tightrope of a line between sensitivity and feebleness has been a nightmarish conundrum for heterosexual men for aeons. How is one suppose to display vulnerability while also radiating tough stoicism?

Oh yeah.
The answer, of course, is to fake a heart attack. It allows you to appear calm and collected even in the face of death while also displaying yourself in a condition of great need. Chicks can't resist that shit, and our man in the aforementioned vignette certainly knows that.

Now some peoplehaterswill try to argue that The Heart Attack Gambit is sick, creepy, psychotic, pathetic, and immoral. But these people are idiots and can be safely ignored. The bottom line is that The Gambit works. And smart, responsible people stick to what works. Ask your boss. Ten bucks says he's faked a heart attack on a date at least once.

And don't just limit yourselves to heart attacks, gents. Any terrifying medical emergency will work. Choking, seizures, fainting spells, kidney stones, sudden inability to breathget creative! Just make it super scary for her, and be sure it doesn't make you look like a pussy. I know a guy who once had a threesome because he slyly got himself stung by a hornet at a college dorm party. (He wasn't a student at the college; he was actually like 40 at the time.)

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Charles Norwood is the author of Epistemology Bloody Epistemology. He lives in Toronto, where he is involved in a wide variety of criminal activities.