Dear President Trump,
We the Ewedrooper staff are saddened (if not shocked) to hear that you have tested positive for the Coronavirus.
Over the course of your presidency, Ewedrooper has sometimes poked fun at you. We've variously claimed that you 1) endorse the Gorean lifestyle, 2) appear as a secret character in Mortal Kombat 11, 3) were originally cast to play Frank Booth in Blue Velvet, 4) had a torrid love affair with sixteen-year-old Greta Thunberg, and 5) hoarded N95 masks for the usage of your many mistresses (this latter claim being the most obviously false, we now know). We argued that you would lose to Joe Biden in a fistfight (a position later retracted by its author). We've also tacitly compared you to Adolf Eichmann, and claimed you are friends with Cobra Commander. Rest assured, however, that all of us at Ewedrooper are earnest in our concern for your health and survival; there would be no Ewedrooper without Donald Trump.
We wish you a speedy recovery, rather than disintegration and martyrdom. If nothing else, you are a dynamo, and we know you can beat this. We are left now with the regret that we're not reporting your positive COVID-19 test in jest, but instead as real news.
Sincerely,
The Ewedrooper Staff
