By Elton Brawn►
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| This is not what the date looked like at all. |
According to the waitress, the gentleman made quite a display about giving her a $100 tip, only to come back into the restaurant afterward to amend the gratuity to $20, brashly explaining, without shame, that he had only pretended to tip $100 in order to impress his date.
The bill itself had been $289, meaning that the final $20 amounted to a measly 6.9% tip—cheap by any standards.
When the gentleman left, the waitress realized he hadn’t signed the new receipt. She followed him out onto the street where she asked him to sign the new receipt, stating that he had altered the original tip loudly enough that his date could hear.
The internet, of course, applauded the waitress’ takedown of this manipulative Casanova, unanimously agreeing that she had done his date a favor.
But, as usual, the internet is wrong.
See, I happen to be that manipulative Casanova. It’s literally me, the author of this article. And the “date” whom I took out for a $289 meal was actually a prostitute (who also cost me $289, incidentally), and everything that the waitress witnessed was part of an elaborately staged role play, the ultimate telos of which was the fulfilment of a masochistic sexual fantasy wherein I am humiliated and then punished for being a naughty and dishonest little piglet who isn’t allowed to squeal even when Mommy steps on his little curly with her red pointy boots.
Or at least that’s the gist of it. It’s actually much more elaborate than that. But I won’t bore you with irrelevant details about The Barnyard because Mommy doesn’t like it when Piglet tells people about The Barnyard.
The point is, you can’t always believe what you read online. I’m happy that the waitress got some viral fame from all this, and I hope that fame makes up for my meagre tip. But it’s important to always remind yourself, when judging someone, that maybe you don’t have the full story. Maybe you're getting just the tip of the iceberg. Maybe that anonymous asshole you hate so much is actually just a regular person who is trying their best to meet their needs in a world that could never possibly fulfill their true passions.
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Elton Brawn has three children from four different women: among the mothers are Siamese twins joined at the womb.
