Jeff Bezos' Penis: A Quantum Quandary

By Thesal Thayer►

Jeff Bezos has recently affirmed that even the world's richest man is not above dick pics. Via Medium (the pinnacle of contemporary journalism), Bezos publicized emails in which AMI, the parent company of the National Enquirer (a close second in terms of journalistic integrity), threatened to publish “below the belt” pictures of the billionaire. Bezos evidently sent the pics to his mistress in the midst of an affair that would end up ending the Amazon founder’s marriage. Bezos has stood firm in the face of what appears to be extortion, passing off the pics as breezily as he would accusations of labor abuse, and has not capitulated to AMI's apparently politically motivated demands.

Jeff Bezos, pictured here with an impressive pants-tent.
Bezos' bravery has rendered his naked selfie something of a moot point, and so we the penis-hungry public are as of yet without the world's richest dick-pic. The trillion-dollar question, then, still remains unanswered: what is the size of Jeff Bezos' penis? How mighty is the wealthiest phallus on the planet? The question is as massive in scope as Bezos' wealth, representing a quandary of no less than quantum proportions.

At present, Bezos' penis is, for the inquisitive masses, akin to Schrodinger's cat. To synopsize quantum superposition, a theoretical model in which a subatomic particle can exist as a combination of multiple states corresponding to different possible outcomes that can only be determined when observed, Austrian physicist Erwin Schrodinger suggested a curious analogy involving a cat in a steel box. Until the cat has been observed, it remains both alive and dead. From the perspective of the prying public, Jeff Bezos' penis also exists in a quantum state. Until we are able to view the dick pic in question, Bezos’ penis is both large and small.

At this point, most definitely, there are a few quantum physicists among our readers who are balking at the present author’s interpretation of the situation. "Large" and "small" are subjective value judgements vis-a-vis the penis, the quantum physicists will say, certainly not as objective as "living" and "dead". Moreover, Jeff Bezos' penis could be any value on a vast continuum of humanly possible penile lengths and widths, and so a simple binary in the style of on/off, yes/no, living/dead would be grossly inappropriate for measuring his member. But those quantum physicists, I contend, are not thinking about Jeff Bezos' penis hard enough.

With regard to men like Bezos, penis size does map on to an objective binary. For superlative men in any meaningful field—industry, sports, cinema—penis size can be categorized in two clear-cut categories: large (7.5 inches and above) and small (6 inches and below). With this in mind, we can safely say that captains of industry like Bezos are either a) in the “large” category and operating largely on the attendant confidence or b) in the “small” category and compensating vigorously for their horizontally challenged physiques. One thing is for certain: a wealthy man cannot have an average-sized penis. Indeed, for the wealthiest of men, the extremity might only be more exaggerated.

Thus, we can safely hypothesize that Bezos' penis exists in one of two states: extremely large or laughably small. Until AMI releases the pictures, however, Bezos' penis will remain both a Doric column and a miniscule nub in the minds of all concerned parties. Given this uncertainty, the editorial staff at Ewedrooper puts out an earnest plea to its fellow concerned and reputable journalists at the National Enquirer: publish the Bezos penis pics, and allay this state of quantum confusion.


Thesal Thayer was born in Youngstown, Ohio. He is the editor of Done to Death: the Last Zombie Anthology Ever.

Image attribution: 0110 [CC BY-SA 4.0 (], from Wikimedia Commons.