By Stephen Kunk and David Cumberbunch►
Anal intercourse is the final frontier of human sexuality: for some people it will always remain in the realm of the unknown and unattempted. Sure, the thought of backdoor loving can be intimidating, but if done lovingly and meticulously, it can be a fun way to open up a wide chasm of new possibilities for your love life. With that in mind, our sex-gurus at Ewedrooper are counting down our favorite styles of anal sex to help you, the adventurous reader, spice things up in the bedroom!
8. Cathartic Anal
Had an especially rough week at the office? Why not sublimate all that frustration and aggression into your bedroom experimentations? Go crazy, let off some stress. A little bit of butt-play can be purifying and purgative—and not just mentally! Void your worries, and maybe even void your bowels!
7. Multicultural Anal
New immigrants in the neighborhood? What better way to bridge the cultural gap than by letting them in the back door? After all, no matter where they’re from, everybody’s got a butthole. With help from your new foreign friends, you might even learn a few new wrinkles on the ancient art of sodomy.
6. Irresponsible Anal
Who said anal sex has to be meticulously planned? Premeditated anal is for prudes! Did you and your amour just have a six burrito supper and a peanut curry lunch to boot? Don’t let that stand in the way of your spontaneity! After all, your sex life could use a little danger. Live on the edge of your seat, why don't you? Oh, and don't even think about using a condom.
5. Disenchanted Anal
Easing a tumescent appendage into a narrow and puckered aperture usually reserved for expulsion...? Yeah, anal sex might sound complicated, but it's really no big deal. Do it laissez-faire and insouciant and in the process cultivate your ennui, among other Gallicized concepts of detachment. (There's a reason it's called the vice of the French.) Anal ain’t no thang, just sayin'.
4. Inspirational Anal
Dialogue is important, no matter what orifice you’re penetrating. Make your anal excursions poignant and motivational by eschewing your usual dirty talk in favor of inspirational phrases. “Never look back”; “I’m always behind you.” Be sure to hold hands and cry out euphorically in harmony as your hind and pelvis applaud, then climax in short succession…maybe even praise God as you do so. Keep the cameras running all the while to capture your rectal rapture and then post it online, so that people worldwide can also be similarly moved by the spirit. Keep calm and bugger on!
3. Peacemaking Anal
3. Peacemaking Anal
Take your makeup sex to the next level with the ultimate act of trust… What better way to put relationship trouble in the rearview than to cram your increasingly estranged personages back together? Even if there's still a little anger left, why not take it out on each other as you accelerate your thrusts and counter-thrusts? And gentlemen, as an olive branch, you might even consider letting your put-out lady don the strap-on just to let her know you’re capable of at least a little empathy.
2. Progressive Anal
For some people, anal sex is all about domination, but it doesn’t always have to be. Modern-day, broad-minded anal ensures that the sodomizee starts on top, with equal time spent above and below. Top and bottom should ask tender questions all throughout, and should finish whilst spooned equitably against the length of each other. This is essential to progressive anal sex. Honorable mention goes out to its opposite, conservative anal: here the woman (and only a woman) is always on the bottom, and she's expected to remain indifferent to the act.
1. Emergency Anal
Okay guys, forget about the article, no time for questions, I'll explain everything after, but we have to do this NOW!
Stephen Kunk is a staff writer for Ewedrooper, and he lives on the Pacific Coast with his lovely wife and their two daughters. David Cumberbunch also has a daughter.
The authors would like to thank all the guys at the office—Charles Norwood, Thesal Thayer, John Gosham, and Elton Braun, among others—for all their time and effort in thoroughly researching every aspect of this article!
Photo Attribution: By Mark J Sebastian (Go Go Dancer (#91686)) [CC BY-SA 2.0 (https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/2.0)], via Wikimedia Commons. Some alternations were made by the staff at Ewedrooper.