By Elton Brawn ►
Things got steamy for a man and a woman when the man had a heart attack on their first date.
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A kiss by any other name would taste as sweet.
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The couple was out paddle-boarding when suddenly the man experienced numbness, discomfort, and fatigue. Once they got out of the water, he collapsed. The couple then shared their first kiss when the woman performed CPR on the man, saving his life.
Or so it would seem.
To the untrained eye, this story may seem like a scary tale with a cute and happy ending. But it's not. To those of us with more life experience and more world weariness, it's obvious what's really going on here. This is actually a tale of deceit and manipulation.
It's called The Heart Attack Gambit, and it has been around for years. A man (or a woman, but it is almost always a man) finds himself on a date with someone whom he likes, but instead of dawdling through the numerous tedious steps circumscribed by dating culture, he decides to throw things into high gear right off the bat. So he fakes a heart attack. And almost immediately a few things take place.
Firstly, he gets a kiss. Sure, It's a clinical CPR-mediated kiss, but lip-to lip contact has still been achieved. A kiss has occurred. His foot, so to speak, is in the door. Despite the fact that he's pretending to be dead on their first date, the space between them has become alive with possibility.
Secondly, he has managed to arouse her in a non-threatening and non-creepy way. True, the source of the arousal is panic rather than sexual attraction, but—and this is key—the body doesn't know the difference. Psychologically, she might be quite traumatized by the episode. But physically all she remembers is that he turned her on.
Thirdly, women like sensitive men. They do. But, at the same time, women dislike weak men. And figuring out how to walk this fine tightrope of a line between sensitivity and feebleness has been a nightmarish conundrum for heterosexual men for aeons. How is one suppose to display vulnerability while also radiating tough stoicism?
Or so it would seem.
To the untrained eye, this story may seem like a scary tale with a cute and happy ending. But it's not. To those of us with more life experience and more world weariness, it's obvious what's really going on here. This is actually a tale of deceit and manipulation.
It's called The Heart Attack Gambit, and it has been around for years. A man (or a woman, but it is almost always a man) finds himself on a date with someone whom he likes, but instead of dawdling through the numerous tedious steps circumscribed by dating culture, he decides to throw things into high gear right off the bat. So he fakes a heart attack. And almost immediately a few things take place.
Firstly, he gets a kiss. Sure, It's a clinical CPR-mediated kiss, but lip-to lip contact has still been achieved. A kiss has occurred. His foot, so to speak, is in the door. Despite the fact that he's pretending to be dead on their first date, the space between them has become alive with possibility.
Secondly, he has managed to arouse her in a non-threatening and non-creepy way. True, the source of the arousal is panic rather than sexual attraction, but—and this is key—the body doesn't know the difference. Psychologically, she might be quite traumatized by the episode. But physically all she remembers is that he turned her on.
Thirdly, women like sensitive men. They do. But, at the same time, women dislike weak men. And figuring out how to walk this fine tightrope of a line between sensitivity and feebleness has been a nightmarish conundrum for heterosexual men for aeons. How is one suppose to display vulnerability while also radiating tough stoicism?
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| Oh yeah. |
The answer, of course, is to fake a heart attack. It allows you to appear calm and collected even in the face of death while also displaying yourself in a condition of great need. Chicks can't resist that shit, and our man in the aforementioned vignette certainly knows that.
Now some people—haters—will try to argue that The Heart Attack Gambit is sick, creepy, psychotic, pathetic, and immoral. But these people are idiots and can be safely ignored. The bottom line is that The Gambit works. And smart, responsible people stick to what works. Ask your boss. Ten bucks says he's faked a heart attack on a date at least once.
Now some people—haters—will try to argue that The Heart Attack Gambit is sick, creepy, psychotic, pathetic, and immoral. But these people are idiots and can be safely ignored. The bottom line is that The Gambit works. And smart, responsible people stick to what works. Ask your boss. Ten bucks says he's faked a heart attack on a date at least once.
And don't just limit yourselves to heart attacks, gents. Any terrifying medical emergency will work. Choking, seizures, fainting spells, kidney stones, sudden inability to breath—get creative! Just make it super scary for her, and be sure it doesn't make you look like a pussy. I know a guy who once had a threesome because he slyly got himself stung by a hornet at a college dorm party. (He wasn't a student at the college; he was actually like 40 at the time.)
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Elton Brawn is the pseudonym of a very famous, very flamboyant singer who has been knighted.
