By Thesal Thayer►
Jeff
Bezos has recently affirmed that even the world's richest man is not
above dick pics. Via Medium (the pinnacle of contemporary
journalism), Bezos publicized emails in which AMI, the parent company
of the National
Enquirer
(a close second in terms of journalistic integrity), threatened to
publish “below the belt” pictures of the billionaire. Bezos
evidently sent the pics to his mistress in the midst of an affair
that would end up ending the Amazon founder’s marriage. Bezos has stood firm in the face of what appears to be
extortion, passing off the pics as breezily as he would accusations of labor abuse, and has not capitulated to AMI's apparently politically
motivated demands.
 |
| Jeff Bezos, pictured here with an impressive pants-tent. |
Bezos'
bravery has rendered his naked selfie something of a moot point, and
so we the penis-hungry public are as of yet without the world's
richest dick-pic. The trillion-dollar question, then, still remains
unanswered: what is the size of Jeff Bezos' penis? How mighty is the
wealthiest phallus on the planet? The question is as massive in scope
as Bezos' wealth, representing a quandary of no less than quantum
proportions.
At
present, Bezos' penis is, for the inquisitive masses, akin to
Schrodinger's cat. To synopsize quantum superposition, a theoretical
model in which a subatomic particle can exist as a combination of
multiple states corresponding to different possible outcomes that can
only be determined when observed, Austrian physicist Erwin
Schrodinger suggested a curious analogy involving a cat in a steel
box. Until the cat has been observed, it remains both alive and dead.
From the perspective of the prying public, Jeff Bezos' penis also
exists in a quantum state. Until we are able to view the dick pic in
question, Bezos’ penis is both large and small.
At
this point, most definitely, there are a few quantum physicists among
our readers who are balking at the present author’s interpretation
of the situation. "Large" and "small" are
subjective value judgements vis-a-vis the penis, the quantum
physicists will say, certainly not as objective as "living"
and "dead". Moreover, Jeff Bezos' penis could be any value
on a vast continuum of humanly possible penile lengths and widths,
and so a simple binary in the style of on/off, yes/no, living/dead
would be grossly inappropriate for measuring his member. But those
quantum physicists, I contend, are not thinking about Jeff Bezos'
penis hard enough.
With
regard to men like Bezos, penis size does
map on to an objective binary. For superlative men in any meaningful
field—industry, sports, cinema—penis size can be categorized in
two clear-cut categories: large (7.5 inches and above) and small (6
inches and below). With this in mind, we can safely say that captains
of industry like Bezos are either a) in the “large” category and
operating largely on the attendant confidence or b) in the “small”
category and compensating vigorously for their horizontally
challenged physiques. One thing is for certain: a wealthy man cannot
have an average-sized penis. Indeed, for the wealthiest of men, the
extremity might only be more exaggerated.
Thus,
we can safely hypothesize that Bezos' penis exists in one of two
states: extremely large or laughably small. Until AMI releases the
pictures, however, Bezos' penis will remain both a Doric column and a
miniscule nub in the minds of all concerned parties. Given this
uncertainty, the editorial staff at Ewedrooper
puts out an earnest plea to its fellow concerned and reputable
journalists at the National
Enquirer:
publish the Bezos penis pics, and allay this state of quantum
confusion.
***
Thesal Thayer was born in Youngstown, Ohio. He is the editor of Done to Death: the Last Zombie Anthology Ever.
Image attribution: 0110 [CC BY-SA 4.0 (https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/4.0)], from Wikimedia Commons.
