Florida Animal Handler Offers Cocaine to Manatee at Applebee's

Russell Wallace Phelps 

(courtesy Volusia County Animal Control)

An animal handler specializing in marine mammals was arrested last weekend for offering cocaine to his pet manatee in an Applebee's restaurant in Daytona Beach, Florida.

Russell Wallace Phelps, 44, had been causing a disturbance in the Applebee's and was asked by management to leave. Phelps exited to the parking lot and returned to his van, which contains a built-in portable aquarium. He then re-entered the restaurant with his leashed manatee.

The 1300 pound adult manatee did not react well to the casual dining chain's standard-issue interior. After approximately ten minutes out of water, it collapsed in the middle of the restaurant, refusing to move.

"It just puddled," said one eyewitness. "That's when the guy brought out the brain tickler."

Phelps reportedly tossed cocaine at the manatee, rubbing the white powder in and around its snout in an apparent attempt to get the marine mammal moving again.

Phelps was recently laid off at nearby Marineland, where he had done some off-and-on consulting behind the scenes. Restaurant patrons claim Phelps had been in a severely agitated state from the time he entered, likely due to cocaine usage. Some claim to have heard Phelps complaining about luke-warm riblets.

It took a combination of five Daytona Beach Police and three Volusia County animal control officers to wrestle Phelps away from the Manatee and the cocaine. The manatee was not harmed, or even affected, by whatever cocaine it inhaled, and was handed over to a local nonprofit aquarium for safekeeping.

Phelps was arraigned on charges of public disturbance, drug possession, and animal cruelty. If found guilty, his future as an independent animal handler in the state of Florida could be in jeopardy.

Racist Photo Turns Albertan Voters to Trudeau

By Stephen Kunk►

Trudeau with his seraglio

Earlier this evening, Time Magazine released a photo of Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau in brownface and a turban at a 2001 costume party with fellow British Columbia schoolteachers. Predictably, the photograph has prompted outrage throughout Canada and will likely impact Trudeau's performance in the ongoing Canadian federal election campaign.

However, the rejection has not been universal. In fact, in some parts of Canada, response to the photo has been positive. Voters in Alberta, a province where Trudeau has polled poorly, have been particularly supportive.

"I've been a Trudeau hater," said Randy Scruggs, a rig-worker from Fort McMurray. "But now my opinion is evolving. I'm seeing how Trudeau actually stands for a lot of the same values I do. Going in blackface definitely makes him a much more appealing candidate."

Trudeau has been reviled in Alberta due a perceived lack of support for the oil industry. But, after seeing his overt racism, some appear to be softening on Trudeau.

"It shows we're on the same page, finally," said Orville Earl, a pressurized safety valve repairman from Grande Prairie. "I just might consider voting for him now. The ball really is in [Conservative leader] Andrew Scheer's court now. If Scheer appears in blackface in the next couple weeks, then I'll still vote for him instead."

Three representative Albertan voters

Billybob Folsom, a sharecropper from Drumheller, was even more enthusiastic. "For the last four years, I wanted to see Justin Trudeau publicly executed. But when I saw that photo, I realized it is possible for a man to fall in love with another man...even if he is a black Islamic. I just hope Trudeau's policies start lining up with this new take on immigrants he's coming out with."

The racist photo has been less well-received throughout the other provinces of Canada, including even Quebec, where blackface is a core element of Quebecois culture. Here, the photo raised questions with respect to Bill 21, legislation which bans overt religious symbols such as turbans among public servants in Quebec.

"Is he a Sikh? Is he a Muslim?" asked Francois Purelaine, a Pepsi sales rep based out of Chicoutimi. "Will he wear his turban in the parliament? If so, my vote won't be his. A turban is not fit for a teacher, and it is for sure not fit for a prime minister."

***

Stephen Kunk lives with his wife and two daughters in Portland. He wrote this article in full blackface.

Kim Kardashian's IQ is 190

By Stephen Kunk►

Los Angeles (AP) - Records recently leaked from Marymount High in Bel Air reveal that Kim Kardashian, a former student of the all-girls Catholic school, has an IQ of 190. Apparently, she's got a brain as brobdingnagian as her backside.

In her mid-teens, the soon-to-be reality TV star made a mockery of the Wechsler Adult Intelligence Scale: Third Edition (WAIS-III), scoring a whopping six standard deviations above the population mean. Put simply, this means that only an infinitesimal fraction of people score equal or higher than Ms. Kardashian in intelligence. An IQ of 140, for instance, is conventionally accepted as “genius” level. Thus, with her 190 IQ, Kim Kardashian is an outlier even among geniuses. This includes her husband Kanye West, a genius in his own right, whose IQ is a self-reported 140.

Figure 1: Kim Kardashian destroys yet another curve

“Some people are shocked,” said Andreas Nabovsky, a professor of neuroscience at Florida Pacific University. “This includes my neuroscience colleagues. They say, 'oh, she's no intellectual titan. She's dedicated her life to being famous for being famous. She stars on a vacuous reality show in which she and her female kin fuss like ninnies over beautification and petty personal projects.

“But when we look closer, it is less surprising,” Nabovsky went on. “Kim Kardashian has come from intelligent parentage, and has succeeded in making money in multiple endeavors.”

Indeed, Robert Kardashian, Kim's father, was a high-profile attorney. He managed to argue for OJ Simpson's innocence, a feat that obviously took preternatural intellect and imagination. Kim herself has made steps toward taking up her father's trade, and without even going to law school at that. At present, she is reading the law in preparation for writing the California bar exam. Of course, she hardly needs the side-hustle, as she nets tens of millions annually for her flagship reality show on E!, Keeping Up with the Kardashians. Moreover, the woman has been paid up to $720,000 for Instagram posts alone.

“Above all else,” Professor Nabovsky concluded, “is it not true intelligence to hold the widest possible market in thralldom?”

Kim Kardashian is an object lesson in true intelligence: that is, cornering the largest part of the market/intelligence distribution: the airheaded middle and below. This accounts for over 95% of the population (see Figure 1). It seems an outlier who enthralls the mean by any means necessary is the genius of the highest order. Case in point: a well-timed (if not especially well-made) sex-tape can prove to be brilliant marketing stratagem. Certainly, it did for Ms. Kardashian.

The still-unbelieving reader would do well to remember that the absolute last concern of a genius of the truly highest order involves things like astrophysics, quantum mechanics, and orbital calculus. That's 120-180 range stuff. The only mathematical construct a true genius is concerned with is the lowest common denominator.

All told, the chic, savvy Kim Kardashian breaks down stereotypes about what intelligence really is. In doing so, she also reminds us of an under-quoted line from Edgar Allan Poe: “the greater the genius, the greater the ass.” With Kim Kardashian, this proves true on all applicable levels.