By Stephen Kunk and David
Cumberbunch►
Anal intercourse is the final frontier of human sexuality: for some people it will always remain in the realm of the unknown and unattempted. Sure, the thought of backdoor loving can be
intimidating, but if done lovingly and meticulously, it can be a fun
way to open up a wide chasm of new possibilities for your love life. With that in mind, our
sex-gurus at Ewedrooper are counting down our favorite styles of anal
sex to help you, the adventurous reader, spice things up in the bedroom!
8. Cathartic Anal
Had an especially rough week at the office? Why not sublimate all that frustration and aggression into your bedroom experimentations? Go crazy, let off some stress. A little
bit of butt-play can be purifying and purgative—and not just
mentally! Void your worries, and maybe even void your bowels!
7. Multicultural Anal
New immigrants in the neighborhood?
What better way to bridge the cultural gap than by letting them in
the back door? After all, no matter where they’re from, everybody’s
got a butthole. With help from your new foreign friends, you might
even learn a few new wrinkles on the ancient art of sodomy.
6. Irresponsible Anal
Who said anal sex has to be
meticulously planned? Premeditated anal is for prudes! Did you and
your amour just have a six burrito supper and a peanut curry lunch to
boot? Don’t let that stand in the way of your spontaneity! After all, your sex life could use a
little danger. Live on the edge of your seat, why don't you? Oh, and don't even
think about using a condom.
5. Disenchanted Anal
Easing a tumescent appendage into a
narrow and puckered aperture usually reserved for expulsion...? Yeah, anal sex might sound complicated, but it's really no big
deal. Do it laissez-faire and insouciant and in the process cultivate
your ennui, among other Gallicized concepts of detachment. (There's a
reason it's called the vice of the French.) Anal ain’t no thang,
just sayin'.
4. Inspirational Anal
Dialogue is important, no matter what
orifice you’re penetrating. Make your anal excursions poignant and
motivational by eschewing your usual dirty talk in favor of
inspirational phrases. “Never look back”; “I’m always behind
you.” Be sure to hold hands and cry out euphorically in harmony as
your hind and pelvis applaud, then climax in short succession…maybe
even praise God as you do so. Keep the cameras running all the while to capture
your rectal rapture and then post it online, so
that people worldwide can also be similarly moved by the spirit. Keep calm and bugger on!
3. Peacemaking Anal
3. Peacemaking Anal
Take your makeup sex to the next level
with the ultimate act of trust… What better way to put relationship
trouble in the rearview than to cram your increasingly estranged
personages back together? Even if there's still a little anger
left, why not take it out on each other as you accelerate your
thrusts and counter-thrusts? And gentlemen, as an olive branch, you
might even consider letting your put-out lady don the strap-on just to let
her know you’re capable of at least a little empathy.
2. Progressive Anal
For some people, anal sex is all about
domination, but it doesn’t always have to be. Modern-day,
broad-minded anal ensures that the sodomizee starts on top, with
equal time spent above and below. Top and bottom should ask
tender questions all throughout, and should finish whilst spooned
equitably against the length of each other. This is essential to progressive anal sex. Honorable mention goes out to its opposite, conservative anal: here the woman (and only a woman) is always on
the bottom, and she's expected to remain indifferent to the act.
1. Emergency Anal
Okay guys, forget about the article, no time for questions, I'll
explain everything after, but we have to do this NOW!
###
Stephen Kunk is a staff writer for Ewedrooper, and he lives on the Pacific Coast with his lovely wife and their two daughters. David Cumberbunch also has a daughter.
The authors would like to thank all the
guys at the office—Norse Charleswood, Thesal Thayer, John Gosham, and Elton Brawn, among others—for all their time and effort in thoroughly
researching every aspect of this article!
Photo Attribution: By Mark J Sebastian (Go Go Dancer
(#91686)) [CC BY-SA 2.0
(https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/2.0)], via Wikimedia
Commons. Some alternations were made by the staff at Ewedrooper.
