Stoked for Sodomy: An Alternative to School Shootings

By Charles Norwood ►

Conservative radio personality Jamie Allman recently resigned from his job with a St. Louis TV station after he made less-than-complimentary comments about a survivor of the Stoneman Douglas school shooting.

Mr. Allman, a grown man, threatened to "ram a hot poker" up the ass of David Hogg, a teenage boy. Why? Because they disagreed politically. Mr. Hogg, who recently witnessed the assault-rifle massacre of 17 classmates on February 14th of this year, supports gun law reform, whereas Mr. Allman does not.

Within hours of the comment, advertisers began to pull support for Allman's show, which inevitably led to his resignation. Advertisers, apparently, thought it would be bad PR to associate with anybody threatening teenagers with sodomy.

Allman lovingly preps the instrument
Presumably, they also questioned Allman's insistence on heating up the poker first. If the forcible insertion of a room-temperature poker into somebody's asshole isn't enough to intellectually persuade him or her of your position, it's unlikely that heat is going to make much of a difference.

Additionally, Allman's fan base was ruffled by the incident, as it cast doubt on his loyalty to Republicanism. By insinuating that sticking a hot poker up Hogg's ass might be an effective way of changing his political orientation, Allman inadvertently implied that he himself might possibly change his own mind in the event that a Democrat were to insert something sharp and burning into his rectum.

Given that conservatism is almost by definition founded on a resistance to changing one's mind, Allman's credibility was shot right there. He showed his tribe that his loyalty extended only up to the point of rectal insertion, but no further. And let's be honest: that's not really loyalty at all, is it?

But Allman is not without his defenders. Some people (namely myself) are quick to draw attention to the positive aspects of his threat. For example, Allman may have threatened to sodomize Hogg, but at least he didn't threaten to shoot him. Instead he sent a strong message that there are other, healthier ways to express disapproval besides picking up a gun and massacring people.

If the Parkland shooter, they say, had only been armed with a hot poker, things would have ended much differently. Sure, one or two anuses may have been decimated, but the 17 victims would still be alive. And even the shooter would have wound up with, at most, community service instead of what's likely to be the death penalty.

So is Jamie Allman a monster? Probably. But if next week some kid makes headlines for chasing his classmates around with a white-hot fireplace tool instead of an assault rifle, it will be clear that this monster has made a difference.

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Charles Norwood is the author of Epistemology Bloody Epistemology: An Academic Satire, and is the co-founder of Goathanger.com. He lives in Toronto, where he is involved with a variety of criminal activities; writing, after all, does not pay.

Image attribution: By Taken byfir0002 | flagstaffotos.com.auCanon 20D + Tamron 28-75mm f/2.8 - Own work, GFDL 1.2, https://commons.wikimedia.org/w/index.php?curid=136229