Trump Supporter Chokes Out Immigrant Family at Hospital

By Stephen Kunk►

A man in a MAGA hat physically accosted a family of Mexican immigrants at an emergency room in Laredo, Texas, last Wednesday.

Wilson Statum Watson is charged with two counts of assault and one count of violating parole for his attack on Dr. Rodrigo Curbelo and his daughter Josefina. 

Watson had arrived at the Laredo Medical Center complaining of shortness of breath and coughing fits. When ER doctors initiated COVID-19 protocols, Watson grew agitated and began verbally accosting the medical staff, insisting that the pandemic was a hoax. 

When nurses and orderlies tried to restrain Watson, he broke away and ran haphazardly through the hospital. Witnesses report that he was screaming "COVID is a hoax!"

Watson wound up in the hospital cafeteria, where Dr. Curbelo was eating lunch with his wife and children. When Curbelo attempted to ease the tensions, Watson promptly put him in a rear naked choke. When Curbelo's wife intervened, Watson applied the chokehold to Curbelo's fifteen-year-old daughter Josefina. 

As he choked out the girl, Watson claimed that COVID was "made in a lab in Mexico."

Dr. Curbelo eventually wrestled Watson off his daughter and restrained him until security arrived.

Watson, currently on parole for illegal gun possession, was placed under arrest by the Webb County Sheriff's Department. He will appear before a judge when and if he recovers from COVID-19, for which he was indeed positive. Dr. Curbelo and his daughter suffered only minor injuries, though they are currently isolating due to COVID protocols and will have to do so through Christmas.

So while the 2020 Election may have knocked the wind out the Donald Trump presidency, the spirit of Trumpism lives on. 

Cast Your Meds Upon the Waters: How a Republican County Turned Democrat

By Stephen Kunk►

Big Swampy County in the Florida Panhandle underwent a massive political facelift in the 2020 General Election. The primarily rural county, which borders Alabama, voted 99% Republican in the 2016 election. In 2020, however, it went 100% Democrat.

The reason? It must have been something in the water.

No, really. It was something in the water.

In 2017, a team of chemists, chemical engineers, and neuroscientists from a host of world-class Panhandle universities embarked upon an ambitious initiative in Big Swampy County. In cooperation with the Big Swampy Department of Public Works, the Florida Public Service Commission, and the Defense Advanced Research Projects Agency (DARPA), the research team began putting small doses of olanzapine in the Big Swampy water supply. Olanzapine is an anti-psychotic.

Apparently, a small amount of psychiatric medication can go a long way. The across-the-board Republican voting, from President to District Court of Appeal to Sheriff to Dog Catcher, flipped over to Democrat in just one election cycle.

"We're astounded by the results," said Andreas Nabovsky, head of applied neurochemical engineering at Florida Pacific University, and leader of the research team. "And we're very pleased, as well. With the advent of Democratic leadership, we've already been able to secure several future projects of this nature in other, larger backwater jurisdictions."

Tampa Bay, Tallahassee, Gainesville, and Orlando have all expressed interest in Nabovsky's research. So too has the incoming Biden administration.

"It's neurochemical engineering, technically speaking," Nabovsky went on to say. "But we jokingly call it 'civil engineering' because it's civilizing a lot of people in the places that need it most."

An Open Letter to President Trump

 Dear President Trump,

We the Ewedrooper staff are saddened (if not shocked) to hear that you have tested positive for the Coronavirus.

Over the course of your presidency, Ewedrooper has sometimes poked fun at you. We've variously claimed that you 1) endorse the Gorean lifestyle, 2) appear as a secret character in Mortal Kombat 11, 3) were originally cast to play Frank Booth in Blue Velvet, 4) had a torrid love affair with sixteen-year-old Greta Thunberg, and 5) hoarded N95 masks for the usage of your many mistresses (this latter claim being the most obviously false, we now know). We argued that you would lose to Joe Biden in a fistfight (a position later retracted by its author). We've also tacitly compared you to Adolf Eichmann, and claimed you are friends with Cobra Commander. Rest assured, however, that all of us at Ewedrooper are earnest in our concern for your health and survival; there would be no Ewedrooper without Donald Trump.

We wish you a speedy recovery, rather than disintegration and martyrdom. If nothing else, you are a dynamo, and we know you can beat this. We are left now with the regret that we're not reporting your positive COVID-19 test in jest, but instead as real news.

Sincerely,

The Ewedrooper Staff

Donald Trump's IQ is Approximately $2 Billion

By Elton Brawn►

After several years of publicly touting his supposed "genius IQ," President Donald Trump has finally submitted to taking a standardized intelligence test. Last week, President Trump sat down with psychologist Gabriella Lopez, who administered the Wechsler Adult Intelligence Scale (WAIS).

The results were unexpected.

According to Dr. Lopez, President Trump brought his tax returns to the testing appointment. These are the same tax returns that the president refused to publicly release several years ago, causing controversy. According to Dr. Lopez, Donald Trump believed that one's IQ score was calculated by looking at net worth.

"He didn't understand that a test was involved," she said, "and he used the term 'income quotient' more than once."

When Dr. Lopez explained that intelligence was measured by cognitive problem-solving ability, President Trump reportedly counter-explained that "smart people have money because they’re winners." He then went on to explain to her, for the better part of an hour, that he’s a genius who has "lots and lots of money." 

"At one point," Dr. Lopez added, "he removed his wallet and began throwing hundred-dollar bills on the test itself."

As Trump refused to answer a single question on the WAIS, his results were uninterpretable. The president’s IQ remains unknown, though Dr. Lopez speculated that his inability to understand the difference between the phenomena of "thinking" and "having money" would suggest, in her words, "substantial cognitive deficits."

When President Trump heard about Dr. Lopez’s speculation, he tweeted "she’s an illegal" and "the test is fake, create [sic] by Democrats."

***

Image attribution: Krzysztof Sitkowski / CC BY-SA (https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/4.0)

Alex Jones' IQ is 9

 By Stephen Kunk ►

Austin, TX (AP) - A leak from the records division of L.C. Anderson High School in Austin, Texas, has revealed that Alex Jones, the founder of conspiracist website InfoWars and host of the infamous self-titled radio show, has an IQ of 9.

According to the leaked documents, the teenaged Jones scored in the single-digits on the Stanford-Binet Intelligence Scales (third edition), a popular test of cognitive ability at the time. Statistically speaking, this places Jones more than 5 standard deviations below the population mean, meaning his intelligence is grossly impaired relative to that of the average person. 

In order to characterize this kind of cognitive deficiency, psychologist Henry H. Goddard grouped people with especially low IQ scores into subcategories. These included "morons", who had IQs of 51–70, "imbeciles," who scored 26-50, and "idiots," who scored 0-25.

Alex Jones,
courtesy Travis County Sheriff's Office

Given his score of 9, Alex Jones is, technically speaking, an idiot. Still, Jones' idiocy has not precluded him from establishing a massively popular radio show and website, in the process cementing himself as one of the most trusted and representative voices in American conservativism.

It's hard to fathom that a man who espoused that autism is caused by vaccines, that Hurricane Katrina was geo-engineered via weather weapons, that the Sandy Hook mass shooting was a false flag perpetrated by gun control advocates, and that "estrogen mimickers" in water bottles are part of a government operation to turn people gay, has serious intellectual impairments.

"Alex Jones is a testament to the adaptivity of the brain and the irrepressible spirit of America," offered Andreas Nabovsky, a neuroscientist at Florida Pacific University. "A staggering proportion of the American populace see this certifiable idiot as the pinnacle of intellectual achievement. It's amazing how someone with such low brain function can inspire so many Americans."

Accompanying documents indicate that Jones took the Stanford-Binet test multiple times, with 9 marking his highest score. Apparently, the teenaged Jones sought valiantly to break double-digits, but to no avail.

Jones responded to the news by promptly scheduling another sitting for a more up-to-date intelligence test. According to test administrators at Sound Mind Psychology in Austin, Jones ripped up the exam paper at the fifteen-minute mark and then ate the shreds.

***

Stephen Kunk lives with his wife and two daughters on the Pacific coast of the United States.

NBA Provides Prostitutes to Players in Bubble

By Stephen Kunk►

With the post-coronavirus return of the NBA, the ESPN Wide World of Sports Complex at Walt Disney World in Orlando, Florida, is abuzz with basketball superstars, referees, media personnel, and...prostitutes?

Yes, you read that right. Prostitutes.  

The NBA realizes that keeping some of the world's greatest athletes in isolation for weeks and months at a time can lead to sexual stressors. In an effort to assuage the tension, the league has seen fit to admit a steady stream of escorts into the NBA "bubble." 

Each day, approximately 120 ladies of the night (and a handful of gentlemen) culled from Florida's finest escort services are admitted to the complex. Before entering the Disney World venue, all involved sex workers are pre-screened for COVID-19, among other diseases. They service the Eastern and Western Conference teams who qualified for the restart on alternating days. 

"I'd prefer two every day to one every two days," said the Houston Rockets' points scoring leader, who wished to remain nameless. "But we all have to make sacrifices."

All prostitutes are paid a flat rate of $250 for standard intercourse, and $125 for less-intensive acts. Strict rules against oral sex have been put in place, as all participants are required to wear N95 masks. 

In some cases, prices vary. For instance, prostitutes servicing Alex Caruso are insisting upon $500 for any contact whatsoever with the Lakers' gawky, balding shooting guard. 

And how do members of non-qualifying teams feel about these conjugal visits bankrolled by The Association? 

"I get multiple hoes nightly for free," said a Detroit Pistons power forward, who also wished to remain anonymous. "I'm almost glad we didn't make the playoffs."

UN Declares the United States a "Shithole Country"

By Stephen Kunk►

The United Nations has officially designated the United States of America as a “Shithole Country.” 

The decision was set in motion earlier today, when the UN General Assembly convened a virtual meeting regarding the current state of international affairs. During this online summit, Secretary-General António Guterres put forward a proposal to designate the United States as a “shithole.”

Guterres read from a prepared statement, justifying the designation as follows: “The United States has, as a nation, come to be characterized by constant protests, unbridled pandemics, and political leaders who deny climate change. America is the apotheosis of systemic racism. The American head-of-state is a multi-time alleged sex offender, whose political ambitions appear to be driven solely by personal aggrandizement and self-exaltation. To ensure this end, this president has resorted to the autocratic militarization of police forces and threats to stymie freedom of expression via social media. This has culminated in a political regime reminiscent of Venezuela, El Salvador, and Iran, among other shitholes past.”

The proposal was brought to an immediate show of hands, with attending members voting unanimously in favor of the United States’ shithole designation. The USA is now grouped among other currently recognized Shithole Countries such as Nambia and the Country of Africa.

Guterres closed the meeting by stating that the United States’ shithole status will be re-evaluated after the upcoming general election in November. A Joe Biden victory could factor into the UN’s decision to upgrade the United States from “Shithole” to “Cesspit.”

Doctors Severely Lacking BDE amid COVID-19 Crisis

By Stephen Kunk►

Doctors are treating COVID-19 patients despite a severe lack of the BDE needed to protect themselves and others from the virus, frontline medics in Britain are saying. BDE refers, of course, to Big Dick Energy, the industrious self-confidence that stems from having an equine penile endowment.

"A palpable dearth of big dick energy continues to be a critical issue," said Sir Simon Stevens, chief executive of Britain’s National Health Service (NHS). "It is disappointing to hear that patients have been endangered just because male doctors are hemorrhaging the BDE that got them into and through medical school in the first place. A pandemic hits, we ask them to go easy on the personal protective equipment [PPE], and then they act like pussies. Sack it up, boys."

Britain’s Royal College of Physicians (RCP) has reported that doctors' increasingly sagging displays of BDE are directly linked to the unmanageable volume of COVID-positive patients and a dire lack of PPE. As such, doctors, as well as male nurses, in some cases, are finding it hard to maintain sufficient levels of BDE to rise to the occasion.

Matt Hancock, originally "Hancook"

before he was publicly measured

"I'm just not myself," said Nigel Fitzwilliam, an emergency-room surgeon in London. "I'm doing surgery semi-erect at best."

Gone is the taciturn, stoic self-assurance expected of a presiding male physician. This has created confusion, shame, and panic among female nurses and orderlies.

Matt Hancock, the health secretary for the Conservative government, placed the blame on doctors: "It is absolutely irresponsible for a physician to step into a hospital with a suboptimal availability of the appropriate BDE, especially in a crisis. No ifs, ands, or buts.

"Who needs PPE when you've got BDE?" said Hancock, whose penis is eleven inches erect. "Now do your job without shriveling up."

Trump Requires N95 Masks for Illicit Mistresses

By Stephen Kunk►

It's no secret that President Trump has had countless extramarital affairs. In order for these liaisons to continue in the wake of COVID-19, Trump has proceeded with extreme precaution. Thus, for the foreseeable future, all Playmates, porn stars, and prostitutes passing through the Presidential bedroom will be required to wear an N95 mask.

"If President Trump wishes to be intimately involved with a woman, she'll be provided with a mask," reported one White House staffer. "This has been a major determinant of the President's policy with respect to N95 exports."

Late last week, Trump invoked the Defense Production Act to halt the export of N95 masks by Minnesota-based manufacturer 3M to allied countries. Canada, for instance, was initially denied mask orders numbering in the hundreds of thousands.

"In the Presidential bedroom," the staffer said, "the need is there. Sacrifices have to be made."

"You take off all your clothes and put on the mask," said Sultry Winters, a porn starlet-cum-concubine whose tour of duty in the White House spanned the night of April 2nd through to the morning of the 3rd. "The Donald does his business bare-faced, though. It's kind of kinky."

Nonetheless, social distancing is still in effect. The aforementioned White House staffer reported that Trump keeps an arm's length distance between himself and his paid paramours during all activities, and he maintains the full six feet as he approaches climax.

"For any droplets that bridge the gap, I'm responsible for their prompt removal," said the staffer, who wished to remain anonymous.

And how has the First Lady taken to the new normal?

"Melania demands a full contamination suit for the President if he even so much as steps into the same room as her," the staffer explained. "So it’s pretty much the same as before the pandemic."

***

Stephen Kunk lives in Portland with his wife and two daughters. 

Florida Car Salesman Pistol-Whips Husband at Arby's

A used car salesman was arrested last Friday for publicly pistol-whipping his husband in an Arby's restaurant in Pensacola, Florida.

Eyewitnesses say that Donald Millions, 48, pulled out a 9mm pistol when his 21-year-old spouse brought him a Beef Dip instead of a Beef 'n Cheddar. When the gun wouldn't fire, Millions knocked his husband to the floor and rained down blows with the handle. 

"He was screaming the whole time," said one eyewitness, "punctuating each blow with 'beef' and then 'cheddar.' 'Beef! Cheddar! Beef! Cheddar!’ He was alternating like that."

Upon arriving on the scene, police officers had to wrestle Millions off his husband. Million's spouse, known only as 'Lance,' was hospitalized over the weekend. He will require reconstructive facial surgery.

"He's lucky," offered another eyewitness, "that he didn't get shot." 

The news has been doubly shocking to the surrounding community. Firstly, Millions is something of a local celebrity in the Pensacola area, where he is known for his enthusiastic commercials and his winning smile. Secondly, he's an established Republican backer and prominent member of the First Baptist Church. His recent marriage came as news to his customers and co-worshippers.

"You hear what happened, and you wonder how he could do something so heinous," said one anonymous churchgoer. "Gay marriage is a sin."

Millions has been arraigned on charges of domestic battery and assault with a deadly weapon, though his attorneys are contesting the latter charge. His battered husband has not filed for divorce, though Millions' attorneys suggested that the couple may seek counselling.

Things Single People Can Do on Valentine’s Day (That Don’t Directly Involve Masturbating)

By Elton Brawn & John Adam Gosham►

0. Suicide is not an option.

1. Commit to not celebrating any other holidays this year. Dilute your failure by dismissing all special occasions. The exception is St. Patrick’s Day. You might as well just start drowning your sorrows now.

2. Take anaphrodisiacs: Saltpeter for the gents, emetic tartar for the ladies. If you’ve obliterated your own sex drive, then it's technically not rejection, is it?

3. Get all dressed up. Buy wine and flowers. Put them in a shopping bag decorated with cute little hearts. Walk around town, letting the bag swing jauntily. Whistle cheerfully. Do this all day. Keep a brisk pace. Check your watch while waiting at crosswalks, occasionally letting out a mild exhalation. Smile knowingly at couples.

4.  Lick poles on the subway. Sleep in close quarters with livestock. Do what it takes to say you were sick on Valentine’s.

5. Comfort an in-cel. Take him out for ice cream. Buy him a Pikachu plushy; maybe even a Transformer. Tousle his hair.

6. Start a vicious argument on Pornhub. In the comments section, insult the plebeian tastes of your fellow users. Draw attention to the uninspired lighting, unconvincing plot, and listless performers.

7. Pull the blinds, turn out all the lights, and eat an entire erotic cake in the full dark. Reminder: suicide is not an option.

8. Browse the Dark Web.

9. Start taking Opioids. And if you've already started, stop.

10. Visit a RealDoll© brothel. If your city or town does not have a RealDoll© brothel, draft a business proposal for a RealDoll© brothel.

11. Itemize the character flaws of the happiest people you know, with examples. (e.g. “My friend Paula, who runs a non-profit organization rehabilitating the homeless, is a sanctimonious workaholic.”)

  

12. Drive two miles into the countryside, find a small wooded area, and dig a shallow grave. Lie in it until 12:01, February 15. Supine or prostrate, the choice is yours—it’s your night and yours alone!

DISCLAIMER: The authors claim no conflict of interest on account of affiliations with RealDoll© parent company Abyss Creations, LLC, or its subsidiaries.

***

Elton Brawn lives in Las Vegas, where he is involved in a variety of criminal activities. John Adam Gosham lives in a shack in densely wooded area in the middle of the American heartland.

Image attribution: Come As You Are from Toronto, CANADA / CC BY (https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/2.0)

Floridians Boycott World News Daily Report for Going Too Far

By Stephen Kunk►

Sometimes, even fake news can go too far. World News Daily Report (WNDR), a notorious fake news site run out of Quebec, recently published a story that has been met with outrage throughout the state of Florida.

The controversial WNDR story reported that a serial burglar from North Florida had made a shameful confession to police. He had broken into a house and stolen a jar of what he thought to be drugs. He then proceeded to snort the supposed drugs, only to find out that it was not cocaine or some other powder-based stimulant, but rather dried-up semen that was being collected by the woman of the house. For his indulgence, the burglar got genital herpes and syphilis.

Or so the story was contrived. None of the events actually took place, as should have been clear by the bold disclaimer to that effect at the top of the webpage. Nonetheless, the details hit a little too close to home for a few dedicated Floridian readers, and the resultant ire has been all too real.

"It's on attack on our culture," said Linda Sue Parsons, head of the Florida Republican Alliance of Women's Traditions (FRAWT). "It mocks our core customs."

One can see how Floridians would be easily deceived by a story of a man snorting dried semen from a come-hoarder's private collection. Semen-hoarding is a cherished Floridian cultural practice--nothing short of a rite of passage for North Florida working class Republican women and girls.

Congressman Ted Yoho (R-Florida)

"WNDR has been so responsive to Florida-related matters in the past," said Ted Yoho, a congressman based in Gainesville. "So I'm surprised and saddened by these developments. Semen in a jar is like a cellphone--or a handgun--in your pocket. For WNDR to mock this fundamental Floridian right is utterly tasteless."

Many Floridians have vowed to no longer rely on WNDR as their go-to news source. In this spirit, a Facebook-based boycott has been organized by Earlene Hopkins of Okeechobee.

"To go and make fun of the come jar," said Hopkins, a seventeen-year-old mother of six, "it feels like betrayal. I don't want my five daughters to grow up ashamed of their heritage.

"Florida trusted you, WNDR, and then you go and insult us like this?"

***

Stephen Kunk is a staff reporter for Ewedrooper. He lives in Oregon with his wife and, alas, only two daughters.